So... what can I say?
During the year 2014 I have already broken up with my three-year relationship, managed to trigger faux-pas in another, gained and lost a good friend, fell in love in an significant way and topping the spring with a summer of cancer speculation and now facing the likely end of my corporate career. I have absolutely no plan for my future, but to follow my intuition and hope that it´ll take me to my full potential.
At the same time I´m scared shitless, but then again I´m feeling relieved and freed.
I would say this is only in my head, if I haven´t had a confirmation for it from external sources: I have become very different from the majority of the people around me. And they sense it. I have the feeling that every cell in my body has been liberated and lightened to a certain extent. When I´m around other people I feel like I´m so much brighter and lighter. My body language has changed too.
For those wanting to wield power over me, I have become a threat. For those wanting to express themselves, I have become a window with good support. My eyes still feel very wide and open. There is so much more coming, but there is something on my throat still blocking it a little. There is some pressure building up easily on my head so I need to focus on letting that gently open whenever I can.
I have become aware of my words and the power/effect they convey. I have found that the current model of running companies and managing the human "resources" is utterly fucked up. All I can do is to wonder how in the world millions of people let themselves be treated as such! The whole structure of the society and business is currently build up in a way, that rewards psychopathic and narcissistic characters. And still, we are all codependent in so many ways.
It took me almost 29 years to see this so clearly. I feel a little sick. And I´m worried of the consequences of not being able to give myself in to the system anymore. Stepping outside the system, even mentally, means that life in the secure conveyor belt is over. There has to be something else I can rely on. I know I´m not the first to do this, but it is the first time for me.
The dice has been thrown.
15 August 2014
11 August 2014
Hyper Golden Supermoon
Last night I was swimming under the super moon.
The Earth, the Moon, the Sun. The three forces that run our daily lives.
I´ve been painting, I´ve been composing music, I´ve been creating vibrational sounds and I´ve been absorbing light. There is lots of information around and like a sponge I sometimes take it all in. But before I can do that, something old always has to go first.
Less is more. My house is getting a cleaning process again. Out with the old!
It feels that every cell in my body is tingling like a little jingle bell made of light. The shadows are having a hard times staying around. Everything in shivering.
My eyes feel permanently different. They are wider.
My body feels permanently different. It is taller.
My voice feels permanently different. It comes from within.
This is like a story of a mystic in a forest under the stars wandering to the unknown. Oh well, that´s how the cookie crumbles.
The Earth, the Moon, the Sun. The three forces that run our daily lives.
I´ve been painting, I´ve been composing music, I´ve been creating vibrational sounds and I´ve been absorbing light. There is lots of information around and like a sponge I sometimes take it all in. But before I can do that, something old always has to go first.
Less is more. My house is getting a cleaning process again. Out with the old!
It feels that every cell in my body is tingling like a little jingle bell made of light. The shadows are having a hard times staying around. Everything in shivering.
My eyes feel permanently different. They are wider.
My body feels permanently different. It is taller.
My voice feels permanently different. It comes from within.
This is like a story of a mystic in a forest under the stars wandering to the unknown. Oh well, that´s how the cookie crumbles.
8 August 2014
Whatssss thissss?
I´ve been getting a little push from my boyfriend: he´s been toying around with my posture during the past couple of weeks. As a result I became extremely aware of how bad my posture actually was and the blockages in the body related to that. He gently nudged me always giving me a whole new sense of my body. I would stay standing there not wanting to move, because it felt so good just to stay where I was.
So I decided I wanted more of that and started to do the little pushing myself. Now it´s been a couple of weeks and things have changed. My posture is a new one, and it has changed me quite profoundly. The change was primarily in my head, since there were memories of fear in my body preventing me to bring my upper chest forward.
The process has been about making myself present. Hiding myself by drawing my shoulder forward has been my way to protect myself from other people. Taking this new posture however has given me a whole to power to ground and balance myself. I am truly enjoying this!
The funny thing is that when I asked my boyfriend how he came up with those particular pushing points, he didn´t really have an answer. He was apparently simply following his intuition. I have noticed him doing that quite a lot, even though he doesn´t really pay attention to it himself.
Creativity is something that has been looming around me for a while now. In addition to learning to voice myself again, I ended up painting last night. Again I was inspired by my boyfriend. The painting is still work in progress. But here is a pic of it after an hour of painting during a certain Thursday night phone call:
I also have camera waiting to be grabbed and used...
4 August 2014
The voice, the work and the 24/7 adventure
I have been spending the holiday for the past four weeks and kept myself in a distance from the computer, mobile phone and thus also this blog. This is my first day "back to daily routines" and here I am, writing a new post for you.
During the retreat and more interestingly after it, I have been experimenting with my voice. My voice has a new deeper sound to it, at least to my own inner ear. And it seems that I have started using my voice as a mean to self-expression and clearing my body. It is very interesting. I am not the only person having the same thing, so it´s interesting to see where this will go or is it going anywhere. I have also become less fearful of playing music and singing/making sounds, which is quite huge for me. In a nutshell: I have a thing going on with voice and sound.
I am back to my daily routines means that I´m back to work. Sitting here in the office makes me feel empty. I´m an quite excited about ideas of changing my career and going to study again. But where to change into? I get these ideas, but none of them seem to be available at the moment. I guess I need to be patient with that. But working in the current place seems meaningless to me. Even when the company promotes some values I support, there focus on making money and additional values within the company makes me sick. I have tried to find an alternative for 2 years now and still haven´t found... I´m starting to get worried now. I really can´t waste my life like this. A little help from the universe would be very much appreciated now! Well, actually a lot of help... please? I need it! Now!
Whereas before I have felt that my mental and spiritual development was a little like a hobby, now it feels like it has become my life mission at this point. It is THE most important thing in my life right now. Parallel to that it seems that my life has become a 24/7 retreat. What is means is that instead of taking 7 days time to focus primarily on my development in a closed environment, my life has become in all its aspects the environment for the retreat that may never end for me. Before I could go on with my daily routines even when I felt the urge to do something else. Now I´m on the threshold realizing that I can not ignore those needs anymore. E.g. for several nights now I haven´t been able to fall asleep before I have cleared my body and done some inner guidance energy/body work. After that, no problem. Without it, no hope for falling asleep. And there are many more similar things happening now.
So... life. Here we go again!
During the retreat and more interestingly after it, I have been experimenting with my voice. My voice has a new deeper sound to it, at least to my own inner ear. And it seems that I have started using my voice as a mean to self-expression and clearing my body. It is very interesting. I am not the only person having the same thing, so it´s interesting to see where this will go or is it going anywhere. I have also become less fearful of playing music and singing/making sounds, which is quite huge for me. In a nutshell: I have a thing going on with voice and sound.
I am back to my daily routines means that I´m back to work. Sitting here in the office makes me feel empty. I´m an quite excited about ideas of changing my career and going to study again. But where to change into? I get these ideas, but none of them seem to be available at the moment. I guess I need to be patient with that. But working in the current place seems meaningless to me. Even when the company promotes some values I support, there focus on making money and additional values within the company makes me sick. I have tried to find an alternative for 2 years now and still haven´t found... I´m starting to get worried now. I really can´t waste my life like this. A little help from the universe would be very much appreciated now! Well, actually a lot of help... please? I need it! Now!
Whereas before I have felt that my mental and spiritual development was a little like a hobby, now it feels like it has become my life mission at this point. It is THE most important thing in my life right now. Parallel to that it seems that my life has become a 24/7 retreat. What is means is that instead of taking 7 days time to focus primarily on my development in a closed environment, my life has become in all its aspects the environment for the retreat that may never end for me. Before I could go on with my daily routines even when I felt the urge to do something else. Now I´m on the threshold realizing that I can not ignore those needs anymore. E.g. for several nights now I haven´t been able to fall asleep before I have cleared my body and done some inner guidance energy/body work. After that, no problem. Without it, no hope for falling asleep. And there are many more similar things happening now.
So... life. Here we go again!
23 July 2014
New life post-retreat
Yet another retreat is behind. Much was left behind and much of new is present waiting to shift the puzzles of my life in new order. The difference this time is that I feel no pressure and I do not really mind the past nor the future, even when I find my mind wandering in those lands for the sake of tradition.
What I really love is that my path is very gentle. I have entered it willingly and I know the path and its ways. It is familiar to me. Now that I think about it, it feels like raindrops each falling gently on their own place. The softest rain that does not scare me enough to raise my defenses, but gently massages me and let´s me see that there is no need to defend. What is here to defend, anyway? My mind sometimes freaks out, but like a parent calming down a baby, I let it cry it out.
In those drops of rain I see clarity, I see much but it gets no hold of me. No attachments needed. I just see the way things are, the differences of the realities inside me and those around me. It is a double layer world in which we live in, but the other is in many ways imaginary though real in its physics and by the forces behind creating it. Even though it amazes me and sometimes saddens me, it brings me great joy and enjoyment for I feel I´m no longer the victim of it. Occasionally I will be blindfolded, I assume, but maybe this is one of those steps that you can no longer go back from.
Throughout the retreat I became increasingly aware of my role as a carrier. Like a carrier pigeon, my role was to set myself aside (as a tool of this world) and let that "inner guidance" work through me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mind and thinking can never understand the ways of my inner guidance, but the results are there nonetheless. I am willing to look stupid and be a fool for my guidance for there is something greater at work here. I am willing to work for it and even though it might be tiring it´s something I can do to no end.I am not giving my intelligence nor my rationality away, but I have realized how limited my experience is when I depend on them.
I am also aware that since my mind tries to explain my experiences, the explanations are at times most hilarious! My mind literally wanders through my history and picks the words that best seems to fit into the situation. And oh boy, the results! I might be starting to see how different religions have such colourful explanations and descriptions in them. The descriptions of similar events might be turned quite the opposite depending on the mind structures of those who describe them. And misleading they always seem to be, blocking the view with ideas of what it should be like.
I am glad that the world around me does not see me clearly. It provides protection for me in a funny way. But I am excited to see what is coming in the future. I have a feeling that my time to step out of the closet of spirituality is right around the corner. The changes in me are bound to change the world around me even if nobody else could see it.
I have come to terms with many things, and more is to come. This is how I am now. Life post-retreat.
What I really love is that my path is very gentle. I have entered it willingly and I know the path and its ways. It is familiar to me. Now that I think about it, it feels like raindrops each falling gently on their own place. The softest rain that does not scare me enough to raise my defenses, but gently massages me and let´s me see that there is no need to defend. What is here to defend, anyway? My mind sometimes freaks out, but like a parent calming down a baby, I let it cry it out.
In those drops of rain I see clarity, I see much but it gets no hold of me. No attachments needed. I just see the way things are, the differences of the realities inside me and those around me. It is a double layer world in which we live in, but the other is in many ways imaginary though real in its physics and by the forces behind creating it. Even though it amazes me and sometimes saddens me, it brings me great joy and enjoyment for I feel I´m no longer the victim of it. Occasionally I will be blindfolded, I assume, but maybe this is one of those steps that you can no longer go back from.
Throughout the retreat I became increasingly aware of my role as a carrier. Like a carrier pigeon, my role was to set myself aside (as a tool of this world) and let that "inner guidance" work through me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mind and thinking can never understand the ways of my inner guidance, but the results are there nonetheless. I am willing to look stupid and be a fool for my guidance for there is something greater at work here. I am willing to work for it and even though it might be tiring it´s something I can do to no end.I am not giving my intelligence nor my rationality away, but I have realized how limited my experience is when I depend on them.
I am also aware that since my mind tries to explain my experiences, the explanations are at times most hilarious! My mind literally wanders through my history and picks the words that best seems to fit into the situation. And oh boy, the results! I might be starting to see how different religions have such colourful explanations and descriptions in them. The descriptions of similar events might be turned quite the opposite depending on the mind structures of those who describe them. And misleading they always seem to be, blocking the view with ideas of what it should be like.
I am glad that the world around me does not see me clearly. It provides protection for me in a funny way. But I am excited to see what is coming in the future. I have a feeling that my time to step out of the closet of spirituality is right around the corner. The changes in me are bound to change the world around me even if nobody else could see it.
I have come to terms with many things, and more is to come. This is how I am now. Life post-retreat.
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