Well, three things going on at the moment.
I was finally able to make the decision emotionally, that I logically already made 6 months ago. It took all this time to liberate myself from the burden that my optimistic side was holding on to and weighted myself down. The classic happened. I was finally able to let go, emotionally, and what a surprise it was to see how something better always comes to replace. No matter how well you "know" that you need to let go of things, actually letting go of them is another matter. You need to make those things with your whole being, and for months I was unable to do what I felt I had to do. How slow! How stupid! And the worst part is that I do now know how I could have done it any sooner. Anyway, finally I´m here.
By letting go, I freed myself to new clarity. Everything is lighter, I see a little better and my goodness there is so much energy. I decided to go on a retreat again this summer, and as a result I was overwhelmed by the massive energy flow that followed.
The arriving energy requires time and space. Since I´m still waiting for my holiday to start, and need to work form 9 to 5... the result has been massive headaches and feelings of sickness. The purification effect on my body is so strong that my head has been feverish and more than then times I´ve felt the need to throw up. How nice. Last night after work I crawled straight to my bed and gave the incoming flow some time and space. I also got help for the headache after asking for it. After two hours of feeling the overflow going through me, I was finally able to drink and eat again. My felt recharged. It´s a process on-going now, but I haven´t felt this lightness and out bursting energy in me since the September. I was giggly and man! did I find the thriving power inside again. I´ve been missing it. Feeling unable to take a stand for yourself has been such a dump for me.
Oh, and about managing humans. I have been investigating now for some years the way people are being managed in the working environment. And I have some major objections to it. This has to change. The leadership models and human "resource management" has to change big time. I think I might have something to do that during my life time. That would explain my past and current experiences. Experiencing what I detest has enabled me to recognize it. I am still lacking the means to go forward with this, but everything in its good time.
I wish I was able to follow my inner guidance better. The shadow in me is still there, and all the people around are being pushed down by the same shadow. That´s why we can´t have that many nice things.
25 June 2014
6 June 2014
Social expriences and the universe
It´s been a while.
I´ve been drifting up and down, between the highs and the lows and the numbness of the middle. These feeling come and go. I feel like my "educational" experience cycle is moving forward to provide me with the themes and lessons for each day. Currently I`m learning about social experience and finding my inner universe. And finally, after a long while, I´ve started feeling the purpose of my life associating with the enlightenment again. Such a relief.
"The social experience" is about me expanding myself to a wider perspective of people and human relationships. As a child I built walls around myself to protect me from the evil other people. Letting go of the fear of people took years, and the final breakthrough took place exactly one year ago. This spring I´ve been wondering several times "how the he** did I get in this mess" since suddenly I´ve found myself mingled in social relationship and -oh yes- drama. I´m learning quite a lot. I used to try and be "perfect" in my relationships with people, and now I´ve learned that the ups and downs are the standard of relationships and nothing remains truly the same. I feel there are connections in place that carry some higher purpose though I do not fully understand them yet. I am growing together with people I love and we trigger growth in each other. The timings in these relationships is a symphonic masterpiece for which I applaud the universe. My mind will never really grasp the complexity of the whole.
The universe and planets have been popping up everywhere during the past week. Random people come to talk to me about planets, and articles about them keep popping up. The universe is making itself quite present to me, and in me. As a result I have become aware of the space within me. Note the double meaning of the word. As above, so below. I don´t know what this means yet, but here it is. Present in this moment. Maybe awareness is all that is needed. I am actually happy that I´m becoming more aware of my body again.
I do not only carry your world. I carry your universe, our universe.
Enlightenment is looming around me, sometimes closer by and sometimes further away. I often feel like I´m wasting my time with my everyday life, but then again I feel there is a purpose for going through all this. I feel like I need to grow my appetite. But that is something one does not simply decide to do. So stuck here, halfway there, moving forward in time while I wait for the want (which I kinda shouldn´t have if I want there).
I feel so old sometimes.
I´ve been drifting up and down, between the highs and the lows and the numbness of the middle. These feeling come and go. I feel like my "educational" experience cycle is moving forward to provide me with the themes and lessons for each day. Currently I`m learning about social experience and finding my inner universe. And finally, after a long while, I´ve started feeling the purpose of my life associating with the enlightenment again. Such a relief.
"The social experience" is about me expanding myself to a wider perspective of people and human relationships. As a child I built walls around myself to protect me from the evil other people. Letting go of the fear of people took years, and the final breakthrough took place exactly one year ago. This spring I´ve been wondering several times "how the he** did I get in this mess" since suddenly I´ve found myself mingled in social relationship and -oh yes- drama. I´m learning quite a lot. I used to try and be "perfect" in my relationships with people, and now I´ve learned that the ups and downs are the standard of relationships and nothing remains truly the same. I feel there are connections in place that carry some higher purpose though I do not fully understand them yet. I am growing together with people I love and we trigger growth in each other. The timings in these relationships is a symphonic masterpiece for which I applaud the universe. My mind will never really grasp the complexity of the whole.
The universe and planets have been popping up everywhere during the past week. Random people come to talk to me about planets, and articles about them keep popping up. The universe is making itself quite present to me, and in me. As a result I have become aware of the space within me. Note the double meaning of the word. As above, so below. I don´t know what this means yet, but here it is. Present in this moment. Maybe awareness is all that is needed. I am actually happy that I´m becoming more aware of my body again.
I do not only carry your world. I carry your universe, our universe.
Enlightenment is looming around me, sometimes closer by and sometimes further away. I often feel like I´m wasting my time with my everyday life, but then again I feel there is a purpose for going through all this. I feel like I need to grow my appetite. But that is something one does not simply decide to do. So stuck here, halfway there, moving forward in time while I wait for the want (which I kinda shouldn´t have if I want there).
I feel so old sometimes.
14 April 2014
Nostress-a-boutit
I regularly find myself sitting down and realizing how tense my body is. As soon as I become conscious about it, the tension starts to fall away. There is still some deep internal stress about life in me, but on the "surface" I now feel more relaxed than ever before. My mind isn´t buzzing with problems and stress about my future nor my past. My perception of time has shifted.
People always say that living in the moment is the thing, but I have only been able to do than momentarily. It has been an exception to the rule, but now I find it the other way round. I find it very hard to focus and live not-in-the-moment these days. The moments and days seem longer, for there is more in each moment that I live in. Tomorrow seems so far away and irrelevant. The same goes for my past. In this moment my mind can relax, and even though living in the moment causes occasional hazards I´m happy with the way things are.
My life is still made of the same blocks as it used to, but now they have changed their places. Same glasses on but I look through from the other side.
I am not to be hunted down by those hundreds of trivial to do -tasks people try to keep pushing me about. The world is not crashing down even if I do things on my own pace.
When the things you stress about become irrelevant, stress itself becomes irrelevant. I trust in my life so I have no need to be in control of it. In a way, "I" have become irrelevant. I don´t mind.
I really don´t mind.
People always say that living in the moment is the thing, but I have only been able to do than momentarily. It has been an exception to the rule, but now I find it the other way round. I find it very hard to focus and live not-in-the-moment these days. The moments and days seem longer, for there is more in each moment that I live in. Tomorrow seems so far away and irrelevant. The same goes for my past. In this moment my mind can relax, and even though living in the moment causes occasional hazards I´m happy with the way things are.
My life is still made of the same blocks as it used to, but now they have changed their places. Same glasses on but I look through from the other side.
I am not to be hunted down by those hundreds of trivial to do -tasks people try to keep pushing me about. The world is not crashing down even if I do things on my own pace.
When the things you stress about become irrelevant, stress itself becomes irrelevant. I trust in my life so I have no need to be in control of it. In a way, "I" have become irrelevant. I don´t mind.
I really don´t mind.
10 April 2014
Instant kharma
Well, well, well - what do we have here? Isn´t it the very thing, you were asking for a couple of days ago?
That is the rhythm, the vibe of my life these days. Instant kharma, like a bitch, is giving me what I want. The things I´ve dreamt about (regardless whether they were reasonable or absurd) seem to simply pop into my life. I´m twirling on the dance floor with the products of my mind waltzing in and quite literally taking me for a dance! And when people around me make jokes about things, they get an instant payback for them.
Be careful what you want, for it is a tragedy to get what you want but not what you need.
What do I need? That is a very good question. In a way, I feel that I don´t really need anything. Just moving forward day by day, watching this life of mine that is turning into "the movie of a lifetime". Seriously, the storyline of my life is getting some epic grandeur in it these days. It would make such a fantastic movie. The absurdness and the kharmacy of it is astounding.
How could this be? How wonderful of an experience this life is with all its sorrows, confusion, love and all the emotions relating to getting and losing?
My reality could turn upside down any moment now. And the relationships in my life are something much more than just some people I´ve met. There is an irrational and absolutely crazy awesomeness at work here!
There is really nothing to do but to see how the show goes on. For omg, there has never been such drama (gasp!) in my life before.
That is the rhythm, the vibe of my life these days. Instant kharma, like a bitch, is giving me what I want. The things I´ve dreamt about (regardless whether they were reasonable or absurd) seem to simply pop into my life. I´m twirling on the dance floor with the products of my mind waltzing in and quite literally taking me for a dance! And when people around me make jokes about things, they get an instant payback for them.
Be careful what you want, for it is a tragedy to get what you want but not what you need.
What do I need? That is a very good question. In a way, I feel that I don´t really need anything. Just moving forward day by day, watching this life of mine that is turning into "the movie of a lifetime". Seriously, the storyline of my life is getting some epic grandeur in it these days. It would make such a fantastic movie. The absurdness and the kharmacy of it is astounding.
How could this be? How wonderful of an experience this life is with all its sorrows, confusion, love and all the emotions relating to getting and losing?
My reality could turn upside down any moment now. And the relationships in my life are something much more than just some people I´ve met. There is an irrational and absolutely crazy awesomeness at work here!
There is really nothing to do but to see how the show goes on. For omg, there has never been such drama (gasp!) in my life before.
24 March 2014
From the high ground to the...
Changes. One can not live without them so better just live with them.
As I expected, the high and mighty phase went past and I am sort of back to normal again. I have changed, of course, but the bliss never lasts. It feel like I have achieved a new level in a game. There is now the possibility to use new skill when I want to. It´s not on all the time, but I can pop in there and then come out of it again. It´s like what I did (and still actually do) with the no-mind state. I go there sometimes just to get a break and relax. It gives perspective.
I have been liberating myself from egoistic attachments. Okay, that sounds a bit freakish but couldn´t come up with any other description for it. I have been trying to follow the correlation between my mental and physical state and well being. What I have discovered is that once my identity steps in, it feels like a huge massive rock is put on to my body. It´s reeeeallly heavy. And that is weight that I carry on me more or less all day long. What I have noticed is that thinking thoughts with an attached agenda I start feeling stuffed and heavy. And when I let go of things, I feel more open and free. It is very simple.
I am quite surprised how I haven´t noticed that weight before. And it feels that my only agenda at the moment is to get rid of that weight. Not let it stick to me and my body. It´s so easy to hold on to thoughts.
The beauty of life is that you can not control it. You have absolutely no hold of it, no matter how hard you try. What you can do is to enjoy the ride and rest in the moments. This is what I´m now trying to really understand. But the trick is not to try something... you have to let go of what is preventing it from happening, really.
As I expected, the high and mighty phase went past and I am sort of back to normal again. I have changed, of course, but the bliss never lasts. It feel like I have achieved a new level in a game. There is now the possibility to use new skill when I want to. It´s not on all the time, but I can pop in there and then come out of it again. It´s like what I did (and still actually do) with the no-mind state. I go there sometimes just to get a break and relax. It gives perspective.
I have been liberating myself from egoistic attachments. Okay, that sounds a bit freakish but couldn´t come up with any other description for it. I have been trying to follow the correlation between my mental and physical state and well being. What I have discovered is that once my identity steps in, it feels like a huge massive rock is put on to my body. It´s reeeeallly heavy. And that is weight that I carry on me more or less all day long. What I have noticed is that thinking thoughts with an attached agenda I start feeling stuffed and heavy. And when I let go of things, I feel more open and free. It is very simple.
I am quite surprised how I haven´t noticed that weight before. And it feels that my only agenda at the moment is to get rid of that weight. Not let it stick to me and my body. It´s so easy to hold on to thoughts.
The beauty of life is that you can not control it. You have absolutely no hold of it, no matter how hard you try. What you can do is to enjoy the ride and rest in the moments. This is what I´m now trying to really understand. But the trick is not to try something... you have to let go of what is preventing it from happening, really.
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