Old new world

I remember after the retreat last summer the world looked different. The effect did not last, for I knew it wasn´t all triggered by my initial change. What it did, was to give me a glimpse of what could be.

Now I feel myself looking at the world, all anew again, and I know I´m knocking on the door of that old already familiar new perspective (or sort of loss of it). Potentially for good this time. Something is different now... it was born from within and the change is much deeper this time. I´m learning, getting used to the new, step by step.

While I cannot yet come up with the words to tell you what this is, I can always tell what I have noticed this week. As a side effect of this change my life has become a puzzle with no extra pieced flying around that much anymore. Everything I experience seems to become meaningful. When there I struggle, there is a reason for it and I feel it. And thus a struggle loses its struggliness, so to say.

I am not so easily disturbed anymore. "I" do react and feelings come up, but now they seem more like waves in the water. When I find myself falling in, all I have to do is to become aware of it, and disturbances disappear. There is a sense of realizing that there is nothing I can truly lose. Even if I lost my body, the world I see around me and the people I so care about.

The questions I´ve been wondering about religion and life get answers. All things I always knew, but never realized.

I am not enlightened, but I have changed and changed the world I see around me. I may never get enlightened, but I´m getting excited about being able to dwell in the moments in this time while getting killed this minute wouldn´t really disturb me that much either. I know this life. I may forget it soon again, but hey... it´s just me.