The meaning of life

So much is happening. I have cut some real strings and now letting go of many. There is a fundamental change going on, man!

While I circuit around hating and loving life, giving in and up and down, I have been wondering about life and my purpose in life. Last summer retreat I remember feeling it so clear that I really HAVE TO wake up and experience enlightenment. During the fall that feeling disappeared. Now that I have started showering in the enlightenment transmission again, day and night, I have asked myself that familiar question again and again: what am I supposed to do with my life? How much the society and its rules really apply and matter to me?

I feel actually pretty stupid, for asking that question year after year. Not getting anywhere it seems.

I have now found myself wondering about different people and their purpose in life. I find myself relatively smart person, not very knowledgeable with facts because of my poor memory, but as someone who is able to see different perspectives and get a glimpse of a bigger picture. Some people are much smarter than me and some people are dumb as f**k. How likely is it that we all share the same purpose in life? With different skillsets I find it quite likely that we are here for different reasons. Of couse I´ve "known" this, but now I feel I really understood it.

Yet again I have reached the conclusion that my mind could never really comprehend life. For even when I wonder about the meaning of life, I once again find at least two opposing realities and perspective which both conflict each other but are still true. Even though mind is unable to see the whole picture, are we still supposed to observe life through it? If yes, to what extent?

For thousands of years mankind has been wondering the same thing. Trying to capture life in words and mindframes. Yet another paradox. No-mind, yes-mind, doesitreallymatter-mind, both-mind? My third eyes is buzzing and my body feels sore. What is happening?

42.

Never-ending story

It matters not how many moments, seconds or years go by... it feels that everything is constantly changing and the movement is never-ending. The paradox seems to be that while you search for the permanent and always-existing, you need to change something to find it. You need to change your perspective and angle on things. Still at the same time the permanent is always there. What is it? How can you recognize it?

I have become increasingly frustrated and distressed to realize that no effort, no time, no the people I meet, nothing seems to help me see. There is more to this, I can feel it. I am aware of its existence but just like a fish deep in the water I can not see the stars. Moments, people, life situations, efforts and emotions - they all come and go. I can not go with them, nor can I step aside. I´m in and out, always changing my take on it. And still stuck on the drifting.

The cry of existence.

What else is there than to recognize what you have, what you hold on to - and let it go? No matter how valuable it might be, no matter how much it has meant for you. Nothings stays.

In a hundred years time we´ll see how much it was all worth it.

Float on

People float. They just simply float on through their lives. Is it any wonder then that most people feel essentially unsatisfied deep inside?

Since I´ve had the pleasure of questioning my own perspectives on life, relationships and, well, my overall take on managing my life, I started to look other people too. How do people of different age and different background manage their life? I must say, it was quite revealing and shocking to watch. 

It seems to be more a rule than anything else that instead of taking action themselves, people wait for something external to make decisions for them. When the impulse comes from the outside, it is easy to react on it and you don´t have to take responsibility for what has happened. Even when you know that you should do something yourself, it is comforting to let the world make the choices for you. I know, I have done that pretty much my whole life. Just going with the flow.

You need to be a victim first if you want to survive life. Being a martyr of your life is much easier than being the leader with all the decisions and responsibilities.

The worst thing about this selfvictimization is that it prevents you to become what you really could be (and are, inside). If you always wait for the moment when it is impossible NOT to act anymore, you lose so much. Waiting for the "MUST" means that something has already boiled over, gotten damaged or destroyed. You will finally end up losing something so valuable that you´ll always regret it. And then you can always blame life or the world for making it so.

So, what I try to do now is to learn to take a stand in my life. To listen to the signals and choose to act on them. I feel empowered by this idea. It feels like I´m not the victim and survivor of my life anymore. This is huge, considering that I`ve always described myself as a "survivor". It´s time to change the title. I want to be the creator of my life from now on.

Definitely worth a try, I´d say...

Light at the end of the funnel

People always say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For some reason my version of the tunnel is now a funnel. Why? I have no idea, but that feels like the right term now somehow.

I have noticed that part of my internet addiction (yes, I think I have one) is because I try to find the answers online. And by answers I don´t mean the timetables for public transportation or the explanation for the error message I get on excel. By answers I mean simple understanding on what is the meaning of life? What is love? Who am I really? And so on. Since internet has so many answers it seems like the logical place to find answers to those questions too. What could go wrong?

I have also noticed that I´m not the only one doing it. Internet is full of spiritual sites, wise quotes and inspirational shit (pardon my French). The truth must be there somewhere! You just need to put the pieces together, right?

I have spent my whole life trying to find the pieces. I started by collecting quotes from tea packages while still wearing diapers, reading comics that I thought had some insight, and later browsing through all the books that would challenge my views. But what I have found is only words being twisted from one perspective to another. As much as I would like to find the right things, it seems words are simply not enough. Words feel like pebbles at the river bank. They might influence the current a little, but they make no real change. The water changes the pebbles really.

Oh water, what are you?
Flowing into the funnel?
I´m making no sense, but who cares - it´s just words, really.