Life keeps surprising me. The old life aka society structures are still trying to pull me back to the roundabout, but its hold on me is slowly weakening. At the same time my need to do things, things that a meaningful to me, is growing.
I have a book project now. And I am being born again, like a butterfly. We, humans, need to be born again every day. Every moment is a new one. The less you use time doing the unimportant, more meaningful your life becomes. Time is the only thing we really "have" in this life. What could be more important than that? How you spend your time, defines who you are and what you become.
The people around you affect how you are in each and every moment. They either bind you or free you. It is a dramatic difference between those two!
Time is like a good friend. Be wise on how you judge it. You may never realize that you have a friend for a lifetime, even when she was standing right in front of you. It will be a sad moment when you realize you lost all our time on Earth.
This week, I have been busy doing things and that seems to have been the way it was supposed to. The outcome started surfacing a day ago, and it is nothing but unpleasant and uncomfortable. All the s**t that is in me, is coming up. There is so much stuck in me as attitudes, beliefs, distorted memories, ideas and expectations that I am left puzzled underneath. How could I ever be truly what I am, when I´m carrying such burdens on me all the time? All my energy is tied up! And my never-ending questioning about myself and my doings makes sure that I´ll never feel comfortable and at ease. Never!
The burden is overwhelming.
I am not capable of keeping long term friendships. They all have been meant to end, but I still blame myself for not being someone everyone would love to hold on to having. So childish, so unnecessary, so vain! And yet, those ideas live within me, tying my up and holding me down. I want to be wanted! I want to be cried after when I´m lost! I want to leave an eternal mark on the people in my life, something no one can replace. I want! I want! I want! All that wanting makes me sick to my stomach.
And it is so... unnecessary. Still it is there. And I do not know how to let it go.
There is too much in me. Like a(n already lost?) friend of mine once said: "if you were a book, you´d be the bible. And that is because you´d have to be studied for such a long time to be understood, there is simply too much in you to understand." I think there was more truth to it than what he ever fully understood himself.
I (it means ME), is the only thing holding me down. It is actually quite depressing, even though one should be celebrating it. If it is ME, then I (aka me) can do something about it. Or could I really? It´s like a fucking circus. Other people are not the ones to blame, nor can they save your ass. Then YOU are to blame, but you can not fix something by using the same tool that created the problem in the first place. What is left then?
What do I have got? (Me is asking...) It´s so fucking hilarious that I almost laugh at it.
Like a puppet on a string, I hold on tight. I hold on tight...
The 1st of September, and I just looked at the time and it showed 11:11. This is it then. My freedom began. No plans, no obligations, no bosses checking my comings and goings (like I was a child), and most of all: all my time is here and now. I am not forced to give it away, if I don´t want to. And I get to decide where to share it when I want to.
I can´t help but to feel like I´m awkwardly taking the first step of the massive stairs into a big pyramid. In the pyramid there is secret. The secret about life. And as I start to climb those stairs, the secrets will be revealed.
My time is my own. This is the ultimate freedom. This is my pilgrimage to the holy grail of life.
There is a wild battle in my life at the moment. I am leaving my everyday job a week from now without a plan for the upcoming months. Or rather the plan is something that the society doesn´t approve that easily as a plan. I´m going to take it easy, draw my attention inside of myself and find out what it is that I want to do with my life. It is not providing an instant profit to the society, so it is perceived a little weird... but then again, so many people have come to me and said that they would really love to do it themselves.
So, this dialogue between being a productive member of the society and following my own guidance, is also a dialogue I´m having on my mind. With a little help I got, I realized that there is a spiritual pattern in here:
when there is struggle between two aspects within me (and that happens so often!), the key is NOT to let the battle begin and announce a winner with the loser drawing out of sight. The key is to mix and match the two aspects in order to create a whole new perspective. Often there are aspects in both sides that are essential to the final freedom of the subject, but both sides also include some ideas that are holding me back. Going through the process of accepting both perspectives and letting the merge happen, it is possible to let the unnecessary burden be freed and create something completely new.
This approach I seems to forget so often. And it´s a shame, because letting the battle unleash creates lots of unnecessary struggle and suffering. Pushing any ideas or feelings out of sight, is a temporary solution that with time will bounce back. The come back process may then be so strong that it will create chaos and a crisis to one´s life.
So, the first thing that I´m going to do with the time released from office hours, is to find the balance inside of me. Then, create as much space as possible for my inner guidance. If there is something that I´ve learn of late, it is that true meaning and results spring from an inner drive to do things. It can not be reasoned or manipulated. One can fake it for some time, but the results will never be bountiful.
So.... what is it that drives me? I am desperate to find out!
The more I allow myself to follow my inner guidance, the more I feel liberation and let creation flow through me. During the past few weeks I have discovered abilities to heal and work with sounds and voices. I also ended up composing with piano.
Then, I have let my body move following the guidance. It has resulted in a whole new posture, manner of walking and other physical phenomena. Today I discovered that my movement was channeled into dancing. It was healing dancing and I had a vision of myself teaching healing and creative dancing to others. Following your body´s own movement is the key.
Thirdly I have been visually productive. I started painting and I am finally finished with the art work in question. Here is the final result:
The picture is a presentation of our soul group at the moment. Not further explanations needed for those who wonder. I also ended up drawing a figure that can be used to unify people in a club that I´m in. The idea of it hit me as a very strong vision that was quickly developed into something I ended up drawing. It was a beautiful process coloured by pure vision and inspiration.
So... ideas about my future, healing with sound, music and dancing are something that have surfaced into my awareness now. I have always had them in the back of my mind, but I was never able to recognize them as something of meaning and real substance to my life.
If someone was to offer me a slot of teaching/doing healing dancing sessions somewhere, I couldn´t say no to that. I don´t yet know what the process would exactly be, but I do know that there would (or will?) be one and it would be something beautiful.
During the year 2014 I have already broken up with my three-year relationship, managed to trigger faux-pas in another, gained and lost a good friend, fell in love in an significant way and topping the spring with a summer of cancer speculation and now facing the likely end of my corporate career. I have absolutely no plan for my future, but to follow my intuition and hope that it´ll take me to my full potential.
At the same time I´m scared shitless, but then again I´m feeling relieved and freed.
I would say this is only in my head, if I haven´t had a confirmation for it from external sources: I have become very different from the majority of the people around me. And they sense it. I have the feeling that every cell in my body has been liberated and lightened to a certain extent. When I´m around other people I feel like I´m so much brighter and lighter. My body language has changed too.
For those wanting to wield power over me, I have become a threat. For those wanting to express themselves, I have become a window with good support. My eyes still feel very wide and open. There is so much more coming, but there is something on my throat still blocking it a little. There is some pressure building up easily on my head so I need to focus on letting that gently open whenever I can.
I have become aware of my words and the power/effect they convey. I have found that the current model of running companies and managing the human "resources" is utterly fucked up. All I can do is to wonder how in the world millions of people let themselves be treated as such! The whole structure of the society and business is currently build up in a way, that rewards psychopathic and narcissistic characters. And still, we are all codependent in so many ways.
It took me almost 29 years to see this so clearly. I feel a little sick. And I´m worried of the consequences of not being able to give myself in to the system anymore. Stepping outside the system, even mentally, means that life in the secure conveyor belt is over. There has to be something else I can rely on. I know I´m not the first to do this, but it is the first time for me.
The Earth, the Moon, the Sun. The three forces that run our daily lives.
I´ve been painting, I´ve been composing music, I´ve been creating vibrational sounds and I´ve been absorbing light. There is lots of information around and like a sponge I sometimes take it all in. But before I can do that, something old always has to go first.
Less is more. My house is getting a cleaning process again. Out with the old!
It feels that every cell in my body is tingling like a little jingle bell made of light. The shadows are having a hard times staying around. Everything in shivering.
My eyes feel permanently different. They are wider.
My body feels permanently different. It is taller.
My voice feels permanently different. It comes from within.
This is like a story of a mystic in a forest under the stars wandering to the unknown. Oh well, that´s how the cookie crumbles.
I´ve been getting a little push from my boyfriend: he´s been toying around with my posture during the past couple of weeks. As a result I became extremely aware of how bad my posture actually was and the blockages in the body related to that. He gently nudged me always giving me a whole new sense of my body. I would stay standing there not wanting to move, because it felt so good just to stay where I was.
So I decided I wanted more of that and started to do the little pushing myself. Now it´s been a couple of weeks and things have changed. My posture is a new one, and it has changed me quite profoundly. The change was primarily in my head, since there were memories of fear in my body preventing me to bring my upper chest forward.
The process has been about making myself present. Hiding myself by drawing my shoulder forward has been my way to protect myself from other people. Taking this new posture however has given me a whole to power to ground and balance myself. I am truly enjoying this!
The funny thing is that when I asked my boyfriend how he came up with those particular pushing points, he didn´t really have an answer. He was apparently simply following his intuition. I have noticed him doing that quite a lot, even though he doesn´t really pay attention to it himself.
Creativity is something that has been looming around me for a while now. In addition to learning to voice myself again, I ended up painting last night. Again I was inspired by my boyfriend. The painting is still work in progress. But here is a pic of it after an hour of painting during a certain Thursday night phone call:
I also have camera waiting to be grabbed and used...
I have been spending the holiday for the past four weeks and kept myself in a distance from the computer, mobile phone and thus also this blog. This is my first day "back to daily routines" and here I am, writing a new post for you.
During the retreat and more interestingly after it, I have been experimenting with my voice. My voice has a new deeper sound to it, at least to my own inner ear. And it seems that I have started using my voice as a mean to self-expression and clearing my body. It is very interesting. I am not the only person having the same thing, so it´s interesting to see where this will go or is it going anywhere. I have also become less fearful of playing music and singing/making sounds, which is quite huge for me. In a nutshell: I have a thing going on with voice and sound.
I am back to my daily routines means that I´m back to work. Sitting here in the office makes me feel empty. I´m an quite excited about ideas of changing my career and going to study again. But where to change into? I get these ideas, but none of them seem to be available at the moment. I guess I need to be patient with that. But working in the current place seems meaningless to me. Even when the company promotes some values I support, there focus on making money and additional values within the company makes me sick. I have tried to find an alternative for 2 years now and still haven´t found... I´m starting to get worried now. I really can´t waste my life like this. A little help from the universe would be very much appreciated now! Well, actually a lot of help... please? I need it! Now!
Whereas before I have felt that my mental and spiritual development was a little like a hobby, now it feels like it has become my life mission at this point. It is THE most important thing in my life right now. Parallel to that it seems that my life has become a 24/7 retreat. What is means is that instead of taking 7 days time to focus primarily on my development in a closed environment, my life has become in all its aspects the environment for the retreat that may never end for me. Before I could go on with my daily routines even when I felt the urge to do something else. Now I´m on the threshold realizing that I can not ignore those needs anymore. E.g. for several nights now I haven´t been able to fall asleep before I have cleared my body and done some inner guidance energy/body work. After that, no problem. Without it, no hope for falling asleep. And there are many more similar things happening now.
Yet another retreat is behind. Much was left behind and much of new is present waiting to shift the puzzles of my life in new order. The difference this time is that I feel no pressure and I do not really mind the past nor the future, even when I find my mind wandering in those lands for the sake of tradition.
What I really love is that my path is very gentle. I have entered it willingly and I know the path and its ways. It is familiar to me. Now that I think about it, it feels like raindrops each falling gently on their own place. The softest rain that does not scare me enough to raise my defenses, but gently massages me and let´s me see that there is no need to defend. What is here to defend, anyway? My mind sometimes freaks out, but like a parent calming down a baby, I let it cry it out.
In those drops of rain I see clarity, I see much but it gets no hold of me. No attachments needed. I just see the way things are, the differences of the realities inside me and those around me. It is a double layer world in which we live in, but the other is in many ways imaginary though real in its physics and by the forces behind creating it. Even though it amazes me and sometimes saddens me, it brings me great joy and enjoyment for I feel I´m no longer the victim of it. Occasionally I will be blindfolded, I assume, but maybe this is one of those steps that you can no longer go back from.
Throughout the retreat I became increasingly aware of my role as a carrier. Like a carrier pigeon, my role was to set myself aside (as a tool of this world) and let that "inner guidance" work through me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mind and thinking can never understand the ways of my inner guidance, but the results are there nonetheless. I am willing to look stupid and be a fool for my guidance for there is something greater at work here. I am willing to work for it and even though it might be tiring it´s something I can do to no end.I am not giving my intelligence nor my rationality away, but I have realized how limited my experience is when I depend on them.
I am also aware that since my mind tries to explain my experiences, the explanations are at times most hilarious! My mind literally wanders through my history and picks the words that best seems to fit into the situation. And oh boy, the results! I might be starting to see how different religions have such colourful explanations and descriptions in them. The descriptions of similar events might be turned quite the opposite depending on the mind structures of those who describe them. And misleading they always seem to be, blocking the view with ideas of what it should be like.
I am glad that the world around me does not see me clearly. It provides protection for me in a funny way. But I am excited to see what is coming in the future. I have a feeling that my time to step out of the closet of spirituality is right around the corner. The changes in me are bound to change the world around me even if nobody else could see it.
I have come to terms with many things, and more is to come. This is how I am now. Life post-retreat.
I was finally able to make the decision emotionally, that I logically already made 6 months ago. It took all this time to liberate myself from the burden that my optimistic side was holding on to and weighted myself down. The classic happened. I was finally able to let go, emotionally, and what a surprise it was to see how something better always comes to replace. No matter how well you "know" that you need to let go of things, actually letting go of them is another matter. You need to make those things with your whole being, and for months I was unable to do what I felt I had to do. How slow! How stupid! And the worst part is that I do now know how I could have done it any sooner. Anyway, finally I´m here.
By letting go, I freed myself to new clarity. Everything is lighter, I see a little better and my goodness there is so much energy. I decided to go on a retreat again this summer, and as a result I was overwhelmed by the massive energy flow that followed.
The arriving energy requires time and space. Since I´m still waiting for my holiday to start, and need to work form 9 to 5... the result has been massive headaches and feelings of sickness. The purification effect on my body is so strong that my head has been feverish and more than then times I´ve felt the need to throw up. How nice. Last night after work I crawled straight to my bed and gave the incoming flow some time and space. I also got help for the headache after asking for it. After two hours of feeling the overflow going through me, I was finally able to drink and eat again. My felt recharged. It´s a process on-going now, but I haven´t felt this lightness and out bursting energy in me since the September. I was giggly and man! did I find the thriving power inside again. I´ve been missing it. Feeling unable to take a stand for yourself has been such a dump for me.
Oh, and about managing humans. I have been investigating now for some years the way people are being managed in the working environment. And I have some major objections to it. This has to change. The leadership models and human "resource management" has to change big time. I think I might have something to do that during my life time. That would explain my past and current experiences. Experiencing what I detest has enabled me to recognize it. I am still lacking the means to go forward with this, but everything in its good time.
I wish I was able to follow my inner guidance better. The shadow in me is still there, and all the people around are being pushed down by the same shadow. That´s why we can´t have that many nice things.
I´ve been drifting up and down, between the highs and the lows and the numbness of the middle. These feeling come and go. I feel like my "educational" experience cycle is moving forward to provide me with the themes and lessons for each day. Currently I`m learning about social experience and finding my inner universe. And finally, after a long while, I´ve started feeling the purpose of my life associating with the enlightenment again. Such a relief.
"The social experience" is about me expanding myself to a wider perspective of people and human relationships. As a child I built walls around myself to protect me from the evil other people. Letting go of the fear of people took years, and the final breakthrough took place exactly one year ago. This spring I´ve been wondering several times "how the he** did I get in this mess" since suddenly I´ve found myself mingled in social relationship and -oh yes- drama. I´m learning quite a lot. I used to try and be "perfect" in my relationships with people, and now I´ve learned that the ups and downs are the standard of relationships and nothing remains truly the same. I feel there are connections in place that carry some higher purpose though I do not fully understand them yet. I am growing together with people I love and we trigger growth in each other. The timings in these relationships is a symphonic masterpiece for which I applaud the universe. My mind will never really grasp the complexity of the whole.
The universe and planets have been popping up everywhere during the past week. Random people come to talk to me about planets, and articles about them keep popping up. The universe is making itself quite present to me, and in me. As a result I have become aware of the space within me. Note the double meaning of the word. As above, so below. I don´t know what this means yet, but here it is. Present in this moment. Maybe awareness is all that is needed. I am actually happy that I´m becoming more aware of my body again.
I do not only carry your world. I carry your universe, our universe.
Enlightenment is looming around me, sometimes closer by and sometimes further away. I often feel like I´m wasting my time with my everyday life, but then again I feel there is a purpose for going through all this. I feel like I need to grow my appetite. But that is something one does not simply decide to do. So stuck here, halfway there, moving forward in time while I wait for the want (which I kinda shouldn´t have if I want there).
I regularly find myself sitting down and realizing how tense my body is. As soon as I become conscious about it, the tension starts to fall away. There is still some deep internal stress about life in me, but on the "surface" I now feel more relaxed than ever before. My mind isn´t buzzing with problems and stress about my future nor my past. My perception of time has shifted.
People always say that living in the moment is the thing, but I have only been able to do than momentarily. It has been an exception to the rule, but now I find it the other way round. I find it very hard to focus and live not-in-the-moment these days. The moments and days seem longer, for there is more in each moment that I live in. Tomorrow seems so far away and irrelevant. The same goes for my past. In this moment my mind can relax, and even though living in the moment causes occasional hazards I´m happy with the way things are.
My life is still made of the same blocks as it used to, but now they have changed their places. Same glasses on but I look through from the other side.
I am not to be hunted down by those hundreds of trivial to do -tasks people try to keep pushing me about. The world is not crashing down even if I do things on my own pace.
When the things you stress about become irrelevant, stress itself becomes irrelevant. I trust in my life so I have no need to be in control of it. In a way, "I" have become irrelevant. I don´t mind.
Well, well, well - what do we have here? Isn´t it the very thing, you were asking for a couple of days ago?
That is the rhythm, the vibe of my life these days. Instant kharma, like a bitch, is giving me what I want. The things I´ve dreamt about (regardless whether they were reasonable or absurd) seem to simply pop into my life. I´m twirling on the dance floor with the products of my mind waltzing in and quite literally taking me for a dance! And when people around me make jokes about things, they get an instant payback for them.
Be careful what you want, for it is a tragedy to get what you want but not what you need.
What do I need? That is a very good question. In a way, I feel that I don´t really need anything. Just moving forward day by day, watching this life of mine that is turning into "the movie of a lifetime". Seriously, the storyline of my life is getting some epic grandeur in it these days. It would make such a fantastic movie. The absurdness and the kharmacy of it is astounding.
How could this be? How wonderful of an experience this life is with all its sorrows, confusion, love and all the emotions relating to getting and losing?
My reality could turn upside down any moment now. And the relationships in my life are something much more than just some people I´ve met. There is an irrational and absolutely crazy awesomeness at work here!
There is really nothing to do but to see how the show goes on. For omg, there has never been such drama (gasp!) in my life before.
Changes. One can not live without them so better just live with them.
As I expected, the high and mighty phase went past and I am sort of back to normal again. I have changed, of course, but the bliss never lasts. It feel like I have achieved a new level in a game. There is now the possibility to use new skill when I want to. It´s not on all the time, but I can pop in there and then come out of it again. It´s like what I did (and still actually do) with the no-mind state. I go there sometimes just to get a break and relax. It gives perspective.
I have been liberating myself from egoistic attachments. Okay, that sounds a bit freakish but couldn´t come up with any other description for it. I have been trying to follow the correlation between my mental and physical state and well being. What I have discovered is that once my identity steps in, it feels like a huge massive rock is put on to my body. It´s reeeeallly heavy. And that is weight that I carry on me more or less all day long. What I have noticed is that thinking thoughts with an attached agenda I start feeling stuffed and heavy. And when I let go of things, I feel more open and free. It is very simple.
I am quite surprised how I haven´t noticed that weight before. And it feels that my only agenda at the moment is to get rid of that weight. Not let it stick to me and my body. It´s so easy to hold on to thoughts.
The beauty of life is that you can not control it. You have absolutely no hold of it, no matter how hard you try. What you can do is to enjoy the ride and rest in the moments. This is what I´m now trying to really understand. But the trick is not to try something... you have to let go of what is preventing it from happening, really.
I remember after the retreat last summer the world looked different. The effect did not last, for I knew it wasn´t all triggered by my initial change. What it did, was to give me a glimpse of what could be.
Now I feel myself looking at the world, all anew again, and I know I´m knocking on the door of that old already familiar new perspective (or sort of loss of it). Potentially for good this time. Something is different now... it was born from within and the change is much deeper this time. I´m learning, getting used to the new, step by step.
While I cannot yet come up with the words to tell you what this is, I can always tell what I have noticed this week. As a side effect of this change my life has become a puzzle with no extra pieced flying around that much anymore. Everything I experience seems to become meaningful. When there I struggle, there is a reason for it and I feel it. And thus a struggle loses its struggliness, so to say.
I am not so easily disturbed anymore. "I" do react and feelings come up, but now they seem more like waves in the water. When I find myself falling in, all I have to do is to become aware of it, and disturbances disappear. There is a sense of realizing that there is nothing I can truly lose. Even if I lost my body, the world I see around me and the people I so care about.
The questions I´ve been wondering about religion and life get answers. All things I always knew, but never realized.
I am not enlightened, but I have changed and changed the world I see around me. I may never get enlightened, but I´m getting excited about being able to dwell in the moments in this time while getting killed this minute wouldn´t really disturb me that much either. I know this life. I may forget it soon again, but hey... it´s just me.
Well well well! The earth has shivered, I was shaken (last week literally with a concussion) and my heart has been pouring pain. Then the moment came. I was standing in the kitchen watching at the door of my fridge. "I"... I had to find out what I am not, by writing down what I thought I am.
Mind map. Map of the mind. How suitable!
From What I am not I went to What I am and What I is and finally crossing the whole thing over with a highlighter writing "I... is a story".
I? Me? Repeating my own name like parrot. Feeling how much I have been defining myself. And every definition is a lie in the sense that every definition is a wall. It´s a barrier. It´s a prison keeping something in while leaving everything else outside. I have kept on telling myself a story about who I am and who I should be.
Then I felt the distance. Distance from my own story. I was suddenly just a story. For a couple of days now I have been getting in and out of my story. Laughing at myself. Seeing and feeling myself react to situations and life, then playing with it. Playing with myself! :D
It´s not so serious anymore. I don´t fear death as I used to. It´s funny ´cause now I feel a more familiar approach to myself and my body. Like it used to be somehow weird before (and I knew it). As result I feel more connected with the world around me. The moments and realizations come and go, but that is not so serious.
Experience is the key. And I´m going to follow this through. Recalibration, baby!!!
Spiritual teachers tend to say one has to give up wanting. Give up on wanting certain life, and wanting certain achievements and goals in your life. When there is no want in you, what drives you forward? What makes you want to do anything? Anything including growing as a person? (or should I say diminish as a person?)
These days I have had three "oh... I see" -moments. The thoughts or realizations that caused these are: it seems that thinking works very much the same way as muscles, experience is what turns knowledge into understanding, and emotions attach themselves to ideas (or something like that).
Got some nerve?
It appears to me that thinking works very much the same way as nerves in relation to muscles. I have known for some time now, that which you give attention to tends to grow. This also goes for the thoughts in your head. The more you think about something, the bigger it gets. If you teach your thoughts to move a certain way, like raising your hand a certain way... the more often you do it, the more you learn to do it without an effort. So when you do it enough, your nerves have learnt to do it and keep doing it without attention. You suddenly think that way, always raise your hand that certain way - and basically repeat it like a monkey. When you realize that you need to change something, those thoughts or the way you raise the hand, it won´t happen easily. You need to train yourself to the new. Keep doing it the hard way, experience doing it, until finally it becomes your new standard.
So my question is... how much can you really rely upon thinking in your life? Is something so stiff going to be you eyeglass into the world? Is that really the best tool for you to explore the world, live your life and make the big decisions in your life? How lame is that!
Turning knowledge into wisdom - experiences
I used to think that since I "know" how things work, that is all I needed. Now however I have learned the hard way that there are some things in life that you´ll never understand unless you experience them. It doesn´t matter how well you know something or have much knowledge about something, unless you understand it with every cell in your body. Knowledge doesn´t have much power on your actions unless it has turned into wisdom. And wisdom can be only gained through understanding. And understanding often requires insight through experience.
When they say that "you need to experience the world" I do believe they are right. Experience is not always required, but I have noticed that the most fundamental changes in me has sprung from experiences. Maybe that explains why there is so much shit in the world happening even though we all do know better?
Emotional behaviour
The eternal dilemma we humans seem to have is the B of sense and sensibility / heart and rationality. The B here stands for both battle and balance. I have noticed that emotions attach themselves into thoughts and ideas. They are the in-the-moment reflection of your thoughts in your body. I find this a little weird system, probably just because I don´t fully understand it yet.
A problem occurred to me: how do you separate emotions from intuition? And how much should one let emotions affect their actions and decisions? For as I understand, most people base their actions on their feelings. Feelings are strongly attached to the experiencing of things, and if experience turns into wisdom... what is the relation between feelings and wisdom? And intuition?
This is where my mind boggles me. What do you base your actions on? What should you base your actions on? If both mind and heart are both unreliable in guiding you through life -> what is left? If you need to remove the obstacles (thoughts and emotions) from the way to see (or experience) that something deep, you have to be willing to take a free fall. Free fall into nothingness. The space of no-space where nothing is guiding you. Is that safe? Is it dangerous? What if you fail? Can you become mentally damaged for good for trying? It´ll be like "thank you trying and better luck in your next life". I have seen and heard so many sad stories where the free fall has failed miserable. The spiritual playground is full of examples of people who have let go of too much and too soon.
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And wow! After all this free flow of thoughts I seem to be able to close the circle on this post, to my great surprise. Want is the element that gives you direction in life. Without want there is a free fall of direction. When neither of these options seem good itself, the B for battle seems like a lose-lose -situation. The B for balance attaches you to both options, which really isn´t then a free fall at all. What is in the grey area here, hello?!?
This is such a classical example of the dilemmas I face these days. When there is simply no right answer to be found. You should take a free fall, but it cannot really be a free fall if you want to succeed safely. There is not way around it. My mind is unable to manage this puzzle, so the answer must come from some place else. A place that is not a slave to these concepts of mind.
I mean, think about it! You need to think to come to the conclusion and thinking doesn´t get you anywhere. This is the greatest joke of all time! Plus thinking doesn´t give any clue of what is that something that does. You´d have to let go, but that might just bring... well, the most unthinkable results.
...what can I say? Life is quite absurd when you think about it. :D
Lost in the city jungle. That is how it feels at the moment. I don´t understand life nor do I have a grasp on anything. Bewildered and disoriented, failing to see the path I´m walking on. Did I get lost or is it simply that I cannot see it?
The more I try to makes sense of my recent experiences, the more confused I become. My past seems more irrelevant every day and any thoughts about future seems vain. All I seem to have is this moment and the feelings I carry around in me. And those feelings seem strong changing from heaviness to feeling pointless. Everything feels pointless, irrelevant and unnecessary.
As spooky as it sounds, during the past two days I´ve been thinking about death. Not as in suicide but as in "I wouldn´t mind it for I see no reason". I have become quite comfortable with the idea of my own death. Anytime, anywhere. I don´t mind. I´m not sure how to feel about not minding. I´m not really sure how I am supposed to feel about anything, really. :D
Walking around watching all the people going places with so many thoughts and sense of survival is weird. There is so much hassle, for what? Yes, I did wake up this morning. Yes, I did put some clothes on according to the expected standard. And yes, I put on my make up, went to work and started sending those emails to people that I don´t really know but with whom I cooperate with to give and get.
Inspired by a newsletter I received this morning, I found myself wondering yet another paradox in relation to experiencing emotions and your self-image.
I have learned now that I am capable of deep deep emotions. Something I never thought I would be in such depth. Now it feels like there was a veil between me and the world before. Is feeling experiencing? In my life it was always me who was so unattached that I left behind so many people, placed and lifestyles that I could bet some people found me cold and rude. The moment they didn´t feel right anymore, I moved on.
But the question is that what is the value of such deep deep emotions? I understand that capability to feel deep is considered a sign that there are no fenced within you left to block your feelings. But emotions as such, and feeling super-duper-deep...? What is it good for, really? I don´t know.
Now let´s connect these emotions with the "I".
It has been said that emotions themselves are good and have their role in the human life. But if you get stuck on them, you´re heading to the wrong. Or more like not-heading to the right. Then why would anyone get stuck on them then? Because behind every emotion there is a story. The story of the "I". The more important the story is to you, the more you attach yourself to it. The more you define yourself and your self-image to the story, the stronger the emotion.
I might be wrong, but this makes sense to me and feels close enough to the truth. The more you get the attached to the story and the emotion, focus your thoughts on it and start breathing it in your everyday life, the stronger its hold on you becomes. By seeing yourself through the stories of your past, you bring history on to your present time after time. You repeat yourself again and again, not letting yourself the change to be what you are or what you could be right now.
But you could really do that? Who would voluntarily take the free fall and give up on all the stories that made you who you are? Give up on all the emotions and any justifications behind them? It is a dangerous business to give up yourself. You would exist no longer. All your stories gone, for good...
So much is happening. I have cut some real strings and now letting go of many. There is a fundamental change going on, man!
While I circuit around hating and loving life, giving in and up and down, I have been wondering about life and my purpose in life. Last summer retreat I remember feeling it so clear that I really HAVE TO wake up and experience enlightenment. During the fall that feeling disappeared. Now that I have started showering in the enlightenment transmission again, day and night, I have asked myself that familiar question again and again: what am I supposed to do with my life? How much the society and its rules really apply and matter to me?
I feel actually pretty stupid, for asking that question year after year. Not getting anywhere it seems.
I have now found myself wondering about different people and their purpose in life. I find myself relatively smart person, not very knowledgeable with facts because of my poor memory, but as someone who is able to see different perspectives and get a glimpse of a bigger picture. Some people are much smarter than me and some people are dumb as f**k. How likely is it that we all share the same purpose in life? With different skillsets I find it quite likely that we are here for different reasons. Of couse I´ve "known" this, but now I feel I really understood it.
Yet again I have reached the conclusion that my mind could never really comprehend life. For even when I wonder about the meaning of life, I once again find at least two opposing realities and perspective which both conflict each other but are still true. Even though mind is unable to see the whole picture, are we still supposed to observe life through it? If yes, to what extent?
For thousands of years mankind has been wondering the same thing. Trying to capture life in words and mindframes. Yet another paradox. No-mind, yes-mind, doesitreallymatter-mind, both-mind? My third eyes is buzzing and my body feels sore. What is happening?
It matters not how many moments, seconds or years go by... it feels that everything is constantly changing and the movement is never-ending. The paradox seems to be that while you search for the permanent and always-existing, you need to change something to find it. You need to change your perspective and angle on things. Still at the same time the permanent is always there. What is it? How can you recognize it?
I have become increasingly frustrated and distressed to realize that no effort, no time, no the people I meet, nothing seems to help me see. There is more to this, I can feel it. I am aware of its existence but just like a fish deep in the water I can not see the stars. Moments, people, life situations, efforts and emotions - they all come and go. I can not go with them, nor can I step aside. I´m in and out, always changing my take on it. And still stuck on the drifting.
The cry of existence.
What else is there than to recognize what you have, what you hold on to - and let it go? No matter how valuable it might be, no matter how much it has meant for you. Nothings stays.
In a hundred years time we´ll see how much it was all worth it.
People float. They just simply float on through their lives. Is it any wonder then that most people feel essentially unsatisfied deep inside?
Since I´ve had the pleasure of questioning my own perspectives on life, relationships and, well, my overall take on managing my life, I started to look other people too. How do people of different age and different background manage their life? I must say, it was quite revealing and shocking to watch.
It seems to be more a rule than anything else that instead of taking action themselves, people wait for something external to make decisions for them. When the impulse comes from the outside, it is easy to react on it and you don´t have to take responsibility for what has happened. Even when you know that you should do something yourself, it is comforting to let the world make the choices for you. I know, I have done that pretty much my whole life. Just going with the flow.
You need to be a victim first if you want to survive life. Being a martyr of your life is much easier than being the leader with all the decisions and responsibilities.
The worst thing about this selfvictimization is that it prevents you to become what you really could be (and are, inside). If you always wait for the moment when it is impossible NOT to act anymore, you lose so much. Waiting for the "MUST" means that something has already boiled over, gotten damaged or destroyed. You will finally end up losing something so valuable that you´ll always regret it. And then you can always blame life or the world for making it so.
So, what I try to do now is to learn to take a stand in my life. To listen to the signals and choose to act on them. I feel empowered by this idea. It feels like I´m not the victim and survivor of my life anymore. This is huge, considering that I`ve always described myself as a "survivor". It´s time to change the title. I want to be the creator of my life from now on.
People always say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For some reason my version of the tunnel is now a funnel. Why? I have no idea, but that feels like the right term now somehow.
I have noticed that part of my internet addiction (yes, I think I have one) is because I try to find the answers online. And by answers I don´t mean the timetables for public transportation or the explanation for the error message I get on excel. By answers I mean simple understanding on what is the meaning of life? What is love? Who am I really? And so on. Since internet has so many answers it seems like the logical place to find answers to those questions too. What could go wrong?
I have also noticed that I´m not the only one doing it. Internet is full of spiritual sites, wise quotes and inspirational shit (pardon my French). The truth must be there somewhere! You just need to put the pieces together, right?
I have spent my whole life trying to find the pieces. I started by collecting quotes from tea packages while still wearing diapers, reading comics that I thought had some insight, and later browsing through all the books that would challenge my views. But what I have found is only words being twisted from one perspective to another. As much as I would like to find the right things, it seems words are simply not enough. Words feel like pebbles at the river bank. They might influence the current a little, but they make no real change. The water changes the pebbles really.
Oh water, what are you?
Flowing into the funnel?
I´m making no sense, but who cares - it´s just words, really.
Tiramisu means "pick/lift me up". On Sunday I ate a tiramisu and on Monday morning I woke up realizing that the weight I have carried for the past two months had been lifted from my shoulders and my heart. I was so grateful.
After I ate the tiramisu, an immediate outburst of negative feelings and thoughts that I´ve struggled to keep inside me occurred . It was a monsterpile of stuck up feelings being released. Not so surprisingly it ended up in a crying-out-loud evening and a night spend staring at the ceiling. There was so much old stuff flowing out of me body that especially my legs were keeping me up all night.
Literally letting it all out.
Next morning I felt completely different. Though I was tired, the heavy weight had disappeared. My burden was lifted and I felt light again. I also understood something about what and why I had just been through.
I have always wondered how is it possible that some people seem to get so lost in their feelings that nothing seems to help them back up. Now I know. I also realized that as an emotional control freak, I have always dreamt of giving in to feelings and losing control over them. Well... now I can say that I´ve been there done that.
In a way I feel so grateful for feeling so much pain. It was excruciating and devastating, and I´ve NEVER been through anything like it. Never. But now I think I understand better. Now I know to feel compassion for those going through similar experiences. I know not judge them, but to feel empathy and love towards them. I am at awe.
And the best thing is that my once so closed heart feel opened up now. I realize that this process was necessary for my heart to become more open. I feel there is so much more love in me now. I can not explain this one yet, but maybe with some time I understand this better. As for now, I´ll be learning to live with this expanded heart of mine... I feel I have so much love to give that I need to find new ways to channel it. Challenge accepted!
My life is waiting for something. I am waiting for something. It feels like the pieces of a puzzle are floating slowly, taking places, and all I can do is to wait.
Being patient isn´t really much fun.
Today I got this small idea that this is the time for me to give in to life. There is only so much pain that one person can take. Also the feeling of not being able to be in control of your life is one big uncomfortable monster to deal with. It is so uncomfortable that it is hard to describe and even harder to deal with.
I have tried to control at least something, which of course failed. Every time. Such nothingness for a control freak like me! As a result there comes a moment in which only one questions remains "what´s the point?".
I accidentally found out that giving in gave me some sense of comfort. The feeling of "I have something" turns into the realization that "I have actually nothing" to give. I never had. The thought has a small taste of total freedom in it. Everything starts sparkling, glitter everywhere! :D Yeah, I sound crazy. Might be the snow, really.
So since everything else has failed, I can only give in. Why try something when there is really nothing to win? Giving in relaxes me, the tensions on my body just melt away. Of course the minute I start thinking about something else they start creeping back. But maybe I can try to hold on to this giving in as much as I can. As long as I don´t try to HOLD onto it and try to control it. Well.... At least for now I think I´ll just give in. My body seems to like it and that surely means something.
Transmission from nothing to nothing. Might work. Or not. Sigh...
I´ve had a pretty interesting winter. The end of last year was so hectic and so stressful (et cetera et cetera) that writing this blog suddenly felt stupid. I wasn´t meditating that much though the analysis machine was overbooked and smoking). I was stepping away from enlightenment. At least that is how it felt. I was doing so much stuff that I felt ashamed for not being "spiritual". It´s a funny thing, the shame. It makes you rapidly fall ever worse than before.
Now that I look at it, I was being sucked into a hole in the dark. The walls were crashing onto me and I struggled, hard. For more than a month now, I have actively tried to see the light again. It´s been hard work to dig myself up one stone at a time. Now it feels that there is a ray of light shining onto me again. A small and dim one, but it´s there. It was there all the time, but I couldn´t see it. It´s weird to stay in the dark for a long time not being able to see what´s happening and then suddenly realize what you´ve been doing. It´s like baking something not knowing what you are trying to do really. Weirrrrd!
What I´ve been wondering is that what the hell happened to me mentally? Emotionally I was torn into pieces. For the first time in my life, I got my heart broken. Oh yes, I managed to do that to myself quite accidentally! At the same time my ever so strong boundaries shattered into oblivion. I have always had these rules and boundaried on my mind that determine how to behave and how to be. Suddenly I noticed that they disappeared. They simply turned into ash I boy was I lost. If the guidelines you have build your life on get blown away and there are no rules left... what do you do? What is guiding you then?
That is the state I´m in at the moment. I am lost in a world where I could do anything. If you can do anything, what do you do then? There is nothing to oppose anymore. There are no rules to narrow down your path. You have to find something deeper to guide you.
These being the thoughts, I have entered the year 2014. This year more things are going to get broken, I can feel it. I only hope the light will shine behind whatever it is that crashes down.
