Tiramisu

Tiramisu means "pick/lift me up". On Sunday I ate a tiramisu and on Monday morning I woke up realizing that the weight I have carried for the past two months had been lifted from my shoulders and my heart. I was so grateful.

After I ate the tiramisu, an immediate outburst of negative feelings and thoughts that I´ve struggled to keep inside me occurred . It was a monsterpile of stuck up feelings being released. Not so surprisingly it ended up in a crying-out-loud evening and a night spend staring at the ceiling. There was so much old stuff flowing out of me body that especially my legs were keeping me up all night.

Literally letting it all out.

Next morning I felt completely different. Though I was tired, the heavy weight had disappeared. My burden was lifted and I felt light again. I also understood something about what and why I had just been through.

I have always wondered how is it possible that some people seem to get so lost in their feelings that nothing seems to help them back up. Now I know. I also realized that as an emotional control freak, I have always dreamt of giving in to feelings and losing control over them. Well... now I can say that I´ve been there done that.

In a way I feel so grateful for feeling so much pain. It was excruciating and devastating, and I´ve NEVER been through anything like it. Never. But now I think I understand better. Now I know to feel compassion for those going through similar experiences. I know not judge them, but to feel empathy and love towards them. I am at awe.

And the best thing is that my once so closed heart feel opened up now. I realize that this process was necessary for my heart to become more open. I feel there is so much more love in me now. I can not explain this one yet, but maybe with some time I understand this better. As for now, I´ll be learning to live with this expanded heart of mine... I feel I have so much love to give that I need to find new ways to channel it. Challenge accepted!

I highly recommend tiramisu for everyone. ;)

On Hold

My life is waiting for something. I am waiting for something. It feels like the pieces of a puzzle are floating slowly, taking places, and all I can do is to wait.

Being patient isn´t really much fun.

Today I got this small idea that this is the time for me to give in to life. There is only so much pain that one person can take. Also the feeling of not being able to be in control of your life is one big uncomfortable monster to deal with. It is so uncomfortable that it is hard to describe and even harder to deal with.

I have tried to control at least something, which of course failed. Every time. Such nothingness for a control freak like me! As a result there comes a moment in which only one questions remains "what´s the point?".

I accidentally found out that giving in gave me some sense of comfort. The feeling of "I have something" turns into the realization that "I have actually nothing" to give. I never had. The thought has a small taste of total freedom in it. Everything starts sparkling, glitter everywhere! :D Yeah, I sound crazy. Might be the snow, really.

So since everything else has failed, I can only give in. Why try something when there is really nothing to win? Giving in relaxes me, the tensions on my body just melt away. Of course the minute I start thinking about something else they start creeping back. But maybe I can try to hold on to this giving in as much as I can. As long as I don´t try to HOLD onto it and try to control it. Well.... At least for now I think I´ll just give in. My body seems to like it and that surely means something.

Transmission from nothing to nothing. Might work. Or not. Sigh...

Into the rabbit hole

I´ve had a pretty interesting winter. The end of last year was so hectic and so stressful (et cetera et cetera) that writing this blog suddenly felt stupid. I wasn´t meditating that much though the analysis machine was overbooked and smoking). I was stepping away from enlightenment. At least that is how it felt. I was doing so much stuff that I felt ashamed for not being "spiritual". It´s a funny thing, the shame. It makes you rapidly fall ever worse than before.

Now that I look at it, I was being sucked into a hole in the dark. The walls were crashing onto me and I struggled, hard. For more than a month now, I have actively tried to see the light again. It´s been hard work  to dig myself up one stone at a time. Now it feels that there is a ray of light shining onto me again. A small and dim one, but it´s there. It was there all the time, but I couldn´t see it. It´s weird to stay in the dark for a long time not being able to see what´s happening and then suddenly realize what you´ve been doing. It´s like baking something not knowing what you are trying to do really. Weirrrrd!

What I´ve been wondering is that what the hell happened to me mentally? Emotionally I was torn into pieces. For the first time in my life, I got my heart broken. Oh yes, I managed to do that to myself quite accidentally! At the same time my ever so strong boundaries shattered into oblivion. I have always had these rules and boundaried on my mind that determine how to behave and how to be. Suddenly I noticed that they disappeared. They simply turned into ash I boy was I lost. If the guidelines you have build your life on get blown away and there are no rules left... what do you do? What is guiding you then?

That is the state I´m in at the moment. I am lost in a world where I could do anything. If you can do anything, what do you do then? There is nothing to oppose anymore. There are no rules to narrow down your path. You have to find something deeper to guide you.

These being the thoughts, I have entered the year 2014. This year more things are going to get broken, I can feel it. I only hope the light will shine behind whatever it is that crashes down.