Into the rabbit hole

I´ve had a pretty interesting winter. The end of last year was so hectic and so stressful (et cetera et cetera) that writing this blog suddenly felt stupid. I wasn´t meditating that much though the analysis machine was overbooked and smoking). I was stepping away from enlightenment. At least that is how it felt. I was doing so much stuff that I felt ashamed for not being "spiritual". It´s a funny thing, the shame. It makes you rapidly fall ever worse than before.

Now that I look at it, I was being sucked into a hole in the dark. The walls were crashing onto me and I struggled, hard. For more than a month now, I have actively tried to see the light again. It´s been hard work  to dig myself up one stone at a time. Now it feels that there is a ray of light shining onto me again. A small and dim one, but it´s there. It was there all the time, but I couldn´t see it. It´s weird to stay in the dark for a long time not being able to see what´s happening and then suddenly realize what you´ve been doing. It´s like baking something not knowing what you are trying to do really. Weirrrrd!

What I´ve been wondering is that what the hell happened to me mentally? Emotionally I was torn into pieces. For the first time in my life, I got my heart broken. Oh yes, I managed to do that to myself quite accidentally! At the same time my ever so strong boundaries shattered into oblivion. I have always had these rules and boundaried on my mind that determine how to behave and how to be. Suddenly I noticed that they disappeared. They simply turned into ash I boy was I lost. If the guidelines you have build your life on get blown away and there are no rules left... what do you do? What is guiding you then?

That is the state I´m in at the moment. I am lost in a world where I could do anything. If you can do anything, what do you do then? There is nothing to oppose anymore. There are no rules to narrow down your path. You have to find something deeper to guide you.

These being the thoughts, I have entered the year 2014. This year more things are going to get broken, I can feel it. I only hope the light will shine behind whatever it is that crashes down.