On Hold

My life is waiting for something. I am waiting for something. It feels like the pieces of a puzzle are floating slowly, taking places, and all I can do is to wait.

Being patient isn´t really much fun.

Today I got this small idea that this is the time for me to give in to life. There is only so much pain that one person can take. Also the feeling of not being able to be in control of your life is one big uncomfortable monster to deal with. It is so uncomfortable that it is hard to describe and even harder to deal with.

I have tried to control at least something, which of course failed. Every time. Such nothingness for a control freak like me! As a result there comes a moment in which only one questions remains "what´s the point?".

I accidentally found out that giving in gave me some sense of comfort. The feeling of "I have something" turns into the realization that "I have actually nothing" to give. I never had. The thought has a small taste of total freedom in it. Everything starts sparkling, glitter everywhere! :D Yeah, I sound crazy. Might be the snow, really.

So since everything else has failed, I can only give in. Why try something when there is really nothing to win? Giving in relaxes me, the tensions on my body just melt away. Of course the minute I start thinking about something else they start creeping back. But maybe I can try to hold on to this giving in as much as I can. As long as I don´t try to HOLD onto it and try to control it. Well.... At least for now I think I´ll just give in. My body seems to like it and that surely means something.

Transmission from nothing to nothing. Might work. Or not. Sigh...