Life keeps surprising me. The old life aka society structures are still trying to pull me back to the roundabout, but its hold on me is slowly weakening. At the same time my need to do things, things that a meaningful to me, is growing.
I have a book project now. And I am being born again, like a butterfly. We, humans, need to be born again every day. Every moment is a new one. The less you use time doing the unimportant, more meaningful your life becomes. Time is the only thing we really "have" in this life. What could be more important than that? How you spend your time, defines who you are and what you become.
The people around you affect how you are in each and every moment. They either bind you or free you. It is a dramatic difference between those two!
Time is like a good friend. Be wise on how you judge it. You may never realize that you have a friend for a lifetime, even when she was standing right in front of you. It will be a sad moment when you realize you lost all our time on Earth.
This week, I have been busy doing things and that seems to have been the way it was supposed to. The outcome started surfacing a day ago, and it is nothing but unpleasant and uncomfortable. All the s**t that is in me, is coming up. There is so much stuck in me as attitudes, beliefs, distorted memories, ideas and expectations that I am left puzzled underneath. How could I ever be truly what I am, when I´m carrying such burdens on me all the time? All my energy is tied up! And my never-ending questioning about myself and my doings makes sure that I´ll never feel comfortable and at ease. Never!
The burden is overwhelming.
I am not capable of keeping long term friendships. They all have been meant to end, but I still blame myself for not being someone everyone would love to hold on to having. So childish, so unnecessary, so vain! And yet, those ideas live within me, tying my up and holding me down. I want to be wanted! I want to be cried after when I´m lost! I want to leave an eternal mark on the people in my life, something no one can replace. I want! I want! I want! All that wanting makes me sick to my stomach.
And it is so... unnecessary. Still it is there. And I do not know how to let it go.
There is too much in me. Like a(n already lost?) friend of mine once said: "if you were a book, you´d be the bible. And that is because you´d have to be studied for such a long time to be understood, there is simply too much in you to understand." I think there was more truth to it than what he ever fully understood himself.
I (it means ME), is the only thing holding me down. It is actually quite depressing, even though one should be celebrating it. If it is ME, then I (aka me) can do something about it. Or could I really? It´s like a fucking circus. Other people are not the ones to blame, nor can they save your ass. Then YOU are to blame, but you can not fix something by using the same tool that created the problem in the first place. What is left then?
What do I have got? (Me is asking...) It´s so fucking hilarious that I almost laugh at it.
Like a puppet on a string, I hold on tight. I hold on tight...
The 1st of September, and I just looked at the time and it showed 11:11. This is it then. My freedom began. No plans, no obligations, no bosses checking my comings and goings (like I was a child), and most of all: all my time is here and now. I am not forced to give it away, if I don´t want to. And I get to decide where to share it when I want to.
I can´t help but to feel like I´m awkwardly taking the first step of the massive stairs into a big pyramid. In the pyramid there is secret. The secret about life. And as I start to climb those stairs, the secrets will be revealed.
My time is my own. This is the ultimate freedom. This is my pilgrimage to the holy grail of life.
There is a wild battle in my life at the moment. I am leaving my everyday job a week from now without a plan for the upcoming months. Or rather the plan is something that the society doesn´t approve that easily as a plan. I´m going to take it easy, draw my attention inside of myself and find out what it is that I want to do with my life. It is not providing an instant profit to the society, so it is perceived a little weird... but then again, so many people have come to me and said that they would really love to do it themselves.
So, this dialogue between being a productive member of the society and following my own guidance, is also a dialogue I´m having on my mind. With a little help I got, I realized that there is a spiritual pattern in here:
when there is struggle between two aspects within me (and that happens so often!), the key is NOT to let the battle begin and announce a winner with the loser drawing out of sight. The key is to mix and match the two aspects in order to create a whole new perspective. Often there are aspects in both sides that are essential to the final freedom of the subject, but both sides also include some ideas that are holding me back. Going through the process of accepting both perspectives and letting the merge happen, it is possible to let the unnecessary burden be freed and create something completely new.
This approach I seems to forget so often. And it´s a shame, because letting the battle unleash creates lots of unnecessary struggle and suffering. Pushing any ideas or feelings out of sight, is a temporary solution that with time will bounce back. The come back process may then be so strong that it will create chaos and a crisis to one´s life.
So, the first thing that I´m going to do with the time released from office hours, is to find the balance inside of me. Then, create as much space as possible for my inner guidance. If there is something that I´ve learn of late, it is that true meaning and results spring from an inner drive to do things. It can not be reasoned or manipulated. One can fake it for some time, but the results will never be bountiful.
So.... what is it that drives me? I am desperate to find out!
The more I allow myself to follow my inner guidance, the more I feel liberation and let creation flow through me. During the past few weeks I have discovered abilities to heal and work with sounds and voices. I also ended up composing with piano.
Then, I have let my body move following the guidance. It has resulted in a whole new posture, manner of walking and other physical phenomena. Today I discovered that my movement was channeled into dancing. It was healing dancing and I had a vision of myself teaching healing and creative dancing to others. Following your body´s own movement is the key.
Thirdly I have been visually productive. I started painting and I am finally finished with the art work in question. Here is the final result:
The picture is a presentation of our soul group at the moment. Not further explanations needed for those who wonder. I also ended up drawing a figure that can be used to unify people in a club that I´m in. The idea of it hit me as a very strong vision that was quickly developed into something I ended up drawing. It was a beautiful process coloured by pure vision and inspiration.
So... ideas about my future, healing with sound, music and dancing are something that have surfaced into my awareness now. I have always had them in the back of my mind, but I was never able to recognize them as something of meaning and real substance to my life.
If someone was to offer me a slot of teaching/doing healing dancing sessions somewhere, I couldn´t say no to that. I don´t yet know what the process would exactly be, but I do know that there would (or will?) be one and it would be something beautiful.
