This week, I have been busy doing things and that seems to have been the way it was supposed to. The outcome started surfacing a day ago, and it is nothing but unpleasant and uncomfortable. All the s**t that is in me, is coming up. There is so much stuck in me as attitudes, beliefs, distorted memories, ideas and expectations that I am left puzzled underneath. How could I ever be truly what I am, when I´m carrying such burdens on me all the time? All my energy is tied up! And my never-ending questioning about myself and my doings makes sure that I´ll never feel comfortable and at ease. Never!
The burden is overwhelming.
I am not capable of keeping long term friendships. They all have been meant to end, but I still blame myself for not being someone everyone would love to hold on to having. So childish, so unnecessary, so vain! And yet, those ideas live within me, tying my up and holding me down. I want to be wanted! I want to be cried after when I´m lost! I want to leave an eternal mark on the people in my life, something no one can replace. I want! I want! I want! All that wanting makes me sick to my stomach.
And it is so... unnecessary. Still it is there. And I do not know how to let it go.
There is too much in me. Like a(n already lost?) friend of mine once said: "if you were a book, you´d be the bible. And that is because you´d have to be studied for such a long time to be understood, there is simply too much in you to understand." I think there was more truth to it than what he ever fully understood himself.
I (it means ME), is the only thing holding me down. It is actually quite depressing, even though one should be celebrating it. If it is ME, then I (aka me) can do something about it. Or could I really? It´s like a fucking circus. Other people are not the ones to blame, nor can they save your ass. Then YOU are to blame, but you can not fix something by using the same tool that created the problem in the first place. What is left then?
What do I have got? (Me is asking...) It´s so fucking hilarious that I almost laugh at it.
Like a puppet on a string, I hold on tight. I hold on tight...
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