Life keeps surprising me. The old life aka society structures are still trying to pull me back to the roundabout, but its hold on me is slowly weakening. At the same time my need to do things, things that a meaningful to me, is growing.
I have a book project now. And I am being born again, like a butterfly. We, humans, need to be born again every day. Every moment is a new one. The less you use time doing the unimportant, more meaningful your life becomes. Time is the only thing we really "have" in this life. What could be more important than that? How you spend your time, defines who you are and what you become.
The people around you affect how you are in each and every moment. They either bind you or free you. It is a dramatic difference between those two!
Time is like a good friend. Be wise on how you judge it. You may never realize that you have a friend for a lifetime, even when she was standing right in front of you. It will be a sad moment when you realize you lost all our time on Earth.
This week, I have been busy doing things and that seems to have been the way it was supposed to. The outcome started surfacing a day ago, and it is nothing but unpleasant and uncomfortable. All the s**t that is in me, is coming up. There is so much stuck in me as attitudes, beliefs, distorted memories, ideas and expectations that I am left puzzled underneath. How could I ever be truly what I am, when I´m carrying such burdens on me all the time? All my energy is tied up! And my never-ending questioning about myself and my doings makes sure that I´ll never feel comfortable and at ease. Never!
The burden is overwhelming.
I am not capable of keeping long term friendships. They all have been meant to end, but I still blame myself for not being someone everyone would love to hold on to having. So childish, so unnecessary, so vain! And yet, those ideas live within me, tying my up and holding me down. I want to be wanted! I want to be cried after when I´m lost! I want to leave an eternal mark on the people in my life, something no one can replace. I want! I want! I want! All that wanting makes me sick to my stomach.
And it is so... unnecessary. Still it is there. And I do not know how to let it go.
There is too much in me. Like a(n already lost?) friend of mine once said: "if you were a book, you´d be the bible. And that is because you´d have to be studied for such a long time to be understood, there is simply too much in you to understand." I think there was more truth to it than what he ever fully understood himself.
I (it means ME), is the only thing holding me down. It is actually quite depressing, even though one should be celebrating it. If it is ME, then I (aka me) can do something about it. Or could I really? It´s like a fucking circus. Other people are not the ones to blame, nor can they save your ass. Then YOU are to blame, but you can not fix something by using the same tool that created the problem in the first place. What is left then?
What do I have got? (Me is asking...) It´s so fucking hilarious that I almost laugh at it.
Like a puppet on a string, I hold on tight. I hold on tight...
The 1st of September, and I just looked at the time and it showed 11:11. This is it then. My freedom began. No plans, no obligations, no bosses checking my comings and goings (like I was a child), and most of all: all my time is here and now. I am not forced to give it away, if I don´t want to. And I get to decide where to share it when I want to.
I can´t help but to feel like I´m awkwardly taking the first step of the massive stairs into a big pyramid. In the pyramid there is secret. The secret about life. And as I start to climb those stairs, the secrets will be revealed.
My time is my own. This is the ultimate freedom. This is my pilgrimage to the holy grail of life.
