From the high ground to the...

Changes. One can not live without them so better just live with them.

As I expected, the high and mighty phase went past and I am sort of back to normal again. I have changed, of course, but the bliss never lasts. It feel like I have achieved a new level in a game. There is now the possibility to use new skill when I want to. It´s not on all the time, but I can pop in there and then come out of it again. It´s like what I did (and still actually do) with the no-mind state. I go there sometimes just to get a break and relax. It gives perspective.

I have been liberating myself from egoistic attachments. Okay, that sounds a bit freakish but couldn´t come up with any other description for it. I have been trying to follow the correlation between my mental and physical state and well being. What I have discovered is that once my identity steps in, it feels like a huge massive rock is put on to my body. It´s reeeeallly heavy. And that is weight that I carry on me more or less all day long. What I have noticed is that thinking thoughts with an attached agenda I start feeling stuffed and heavy. And when I let go of things, I feel more open and free. It is very simple.

I am quite surprised how I haven´t noticed that weight before. And it feels that my only agenda at the moment is to get rid of that weight. Not let it stick to me and my body. It´s so easy to hold on to thoughts.

The beauty of life is that you can not control it. You have absolutely no hold of it, no matter how hard you try. What you can do is to enjoy the ride and rest in the moments. This is what I´m now trying to really understand. But the trick is not to try something... you have to let go of what is preventing it from happening, really.

Old new world

I remember after the retreat last summer the world looked different. The effect did not last, for I knew it wasn´t all triggered by my initial change. What it did, was to give me a glimpse of what could be.

Now I feel myself looking at the world, all anew again, and I know I´m knocking on the door of that old already familiar new perspective (or sort of loss of it). Potentially for good this time. Something is different now... it was born from within and the change is much deeper this time. I´m learning, getting used to the new, step by step.

While I cannot yet come up with the words to tell you what this is, I can always tell what I have noticed this week. As a side effect of this change my life has become a puzzle with no extra pieced flying around that much anymore. Everything I experience seems to become meaningful. When there I struggle, there is a reason for it and I feel it. And thus a struggle loses its struggliness, so to say.

I am not so easily disturbed anymore. "I" do react and feelings come up, but now they seem more like waves in the water. When I find myself falling in, all I have to do is to become aware of it, and disturbances disappear. There is a sense of realizing that there is nothing I can truly lose. Even if I lost my body, the world I see around me and the people I so care about.

The questions I´ve been wondering about religion and life get answers. All things I always knew, but never realized.

I am not enlightened, but I have changed and changed the world I see around me. I may never get enlightened, but I´m getting excited about being able to dwell in the moments in this time while getting killed this minute wouldn´t really disturb me that much either. I know this life. I may forget it soon again, but hey... it´s just me.

Indentity and recalibration

Well well well! The earth has shivered, I was shaken (last week literally with a concussion) and my heart has been pouring pain. Then the moment came. I was standing in the kitchen watching at the door of my fridge. "I"... I had to find out what I am not, by writing down what I thought I am.

Mind map. Map of the mind. How suitable!

From What I am not I went to What I am and What I is and finally crossing the whole thing over with a highlighter writing "I... is a story".

I? Me? Repeating my own name like parrot. Feeling how much I have been defining myself. And every definition is a lie in the sense that every definition is a wall. It´s a barrier. It´s a prison keeping something in while leaving everything else outside. I have kept on telling myself a story about who I am and who I should be.

Then I felt the distance. Distance from my own story. I was suddenly just a story. For a couple of days now I have been getting in and out of my story. Laughing at myself. Seeing and feeling myself react to situations and life, then playing with it. Playing with myself! :D

It´s not so serious anymore. I don´t fear death as I used to. It´s funny ´cause now I feel a more familiar approach to myself and my body. Like it used to be somehow weird before (and I knew it). As result I feel more connected with the world around me. The moments and realizations come and go, but that is not so serious.

Experience is the key. And I´m going to follow this through. Recalibration, baby!!!

Honk honk.

What you waiting for?

Spiritual teachers tend to say one has to give up wanting. Give up on wanting certain life, and wanting certain achievements and goals in your life. When there is no want in you, what drives you forward? What makes you want to do anything? Anything including growing as a person? (or should I say diminish as a person?)

These days I have had three "oh... I see" -moments. The thoughts or realizations that caused these are: it seems that thinking works very much the same way as muscles, experience is what turns knowledge into understanding, and emotions attach themselves to ideas (or something like that).

Got some nerve?
It appears to me that thinking works very much the same way as nerves in relation to muscles. I have known for some time now, that which you give attention to tends to grow. This also goes for the thoughts in your head. The more you think about something, the bigger it gets. If you teach your thoughts to move a certain way, like raising your hand a certain way... the more often you do it, the more you learn to do it without an effort. So when you do it enough, your nerves have learnt to do it and keep doing it without attention. You suddenly think that way, always raise your hand that certain way - and basically repeat it like a monkey. When you realize that you need to change something, those thoughts or the way you raise the hand, it won´t happen easily. You need to train yourself to the new. Keep doing it the hard way, experience doing it, until finally it becomes your new standard.

So my question is... how much can you really rely upon thinking in your life? Is something so stiff going to be you eyeglass into the world? Is that really the best tool for you to explore the world, live your life and make the big decisions in your life? How lame is that!

Turning knowledge into wisdom - experiences
I used to think that since I "know" how things work, that is all I needed. Now however I have learned the hard way that there are some things in life that you´ll never understand unless you experience them. It doesn´t matter how well you know something or have much knowledge about something, unless you understand it with every cell in your body. Knowledge doesn´t have much power on your actions unless it has turned into wisdom. And wisdom can be only gained through understanding. And understanding often requires insight through experience.

When they say that "you need to experience the world" I do believe they are right. Experience is not always required, but I have noticed that the most fundamental changes in me has sprung from experiences. Maybe that explains why there is so much shit in the world happening even though we all do know better?

Emotional behaviour
The eternal dilemma we humans seem to have is the B of sense and sensibility / heart and rationality. The B here stands for both battle and balance. I have noticed that emotions attach themselves into thoughts and ideas. They are the in-the-moment reflection of your thoughts in your body. I find this a little weird system, probably just because I don´t fully understand it yet.

A problem occurred to me: how do you separate emotions from intuition? And how much should one let emotions affect their actions and decisions? For as I understand, most people base their actions on their feelings. Feelings are strongly attached to the experiencing of things, and if experience turns into wisdom... what is the relation between feelings and wisdom? And intuition?

This is where my mind boggles me. What do you base your actions on? What should you base your actions on? If both mind and heart are both unreliable in guiding you through life -> what is left? If you need to remove the obstacles (thoughts and emotions) from the way to see (or experience) that something deep, you have to be willing to take a free fall. Free fall into nothingness. The space of no-space where nothing is guiding you. Is that safe? Is it dangerous? What if you fail? Can you become mentally damaged for good for trying? It´ll be like "thank you trying and better luck in your next life". I have seen and heard so many sad stories where the free fall has failed miserable. The spiritual playground is full of examples of people who have let go of too much and too soon.

___

And wow! After all this free flow of thoughts I seem to be able to close the circle on this post, to my great surprise. Want is the element that gives you direction in life. Without want there is a free fall of direction. When neither of these options seem good itself, the B for battle seems like a lose-lose -situation. The B for balance attaches you to both options, which really isn´t then a free fall at all. What is in the grey area here, hello?!?

This is such a classical example of the dilemmas I face these days. When there is simply no right answer to be found. You should take a free fall, but it cannot really be a free fall if you want to succeed safely. There is not way around it. My mind is unable to manage this puzzle, so the answer must come from some place else. A place that is not a slave to these concepts of mind.

I mean, think about it! You need to think to come to the conclusion and thinking doesn´t get you anywhere. This is the greatest joke of all time! Plus thinking doesn´t give any clue of what is that something that does. You´d have to let go, but that might just bring... well, the most unthinkable results.

...what can I say? Life is quite absurd when you think about it. :D

Bewildered in the wild

Lost in the city jungle. That is how it feels at the moment. I don´t understand life nor do I have a grasp on anything. Bewildered and disoriented, failing to see the path I´m walking on. Did I get lost or is it simply that I cannot see it?

The more I try to makes sense of my recent experiences, the more confused I become. My past seems more irrelevant every day and any thoughts about future seems vain. All I seem to have is this moment and the feelings I carry around in me. And those feelings seem strong changing from heaviness to feeling pointless. Everything feels pointless, irrelevant and unnecessary.

As spooky as it sounds, during the past two days I´ve been thinking about death. Not as in suicide but as in "I wouldn´t mind it for I see no reason". I have become quite comfortable with the idea of my own death. Anytime, anywhere. I don´t mind. I´m not sure how to feel about not minding. I´m not really sure how I am supposed to feel about anything, really. :D

Walking around watching all the people going places with so many thoughts and sense of survival is weird. There is so much hassle, for what? Yes, I did wake up this morning. Yes, I did put some clothes on according to the expected standard. And yes, I put on my make up, went to work and started sending those emails to people that I don´t really know but with whom I cooperate with to give and get.

But so what?

Then what?

The "I" in the eye

Inspired by a newsletter I received this morning, I found myself wondering yet another paradox in relation to experiencing emotions and your self-image.

I have learned now that I am capable of deep deep emotions. Something I never thought I would be in such depth. Now it feels like there was a veil between me and the world before. Is feeling experiencing? In my life it was always me who was so unattached that I left behind so many people, placed and lifestyles that I could bet some people found  me cold and rude. The moment they didn´t feel right anymore, I moved on.

But the question is that what is the value of such deep deep emotions? I understand that capability to feel deep is considered a sign that there are no fenced within you left to block your feelings. But emotions as such, and feeling super-duper-deep...? What is it good for, really? I don´t know.

Now let´s connect these emotions with the "I".

It has been said that emotions themselves are good and have their role in the human life. But if you get stuck on them, you´re heading to the wrong. Or more like not-heading to the right. Then why would anyone get stuck on them then? Because behind every emotion there is a story. The story of the "I". The more important the story is to you, the more you attach yourself to it. The more you define yourself and your self-image to the story, the stronger the emotion.

I might be wrong, but this makes sense to me and feels close enough to the truth. The more you get the attached to the story and the emotion, focus your thoughts on it and start breathing it in your everyday life, the stronger its hold on you becomes. By seeing yourself through the stories of your past, you bring history on to your present time after time. You repeat yourself again and again, not letting yourself the change to be what you are or what you could be right now.

But you could really do that? Who would voluntarily take the free fall and give up on all the stories that made you who you are? Give up on all the emotions and any justifications behind them? It is a dangerous business to give up yourself. You would exist no longer. All your stories gone, for good...

That would makes such a good story, u know.