Yet another retreat is behind. Much was left behind and much of new is present waiting to shift the puzzles of my life in new order. The difference this time is that I feel no pressure and I do not really mind the past nor the future, even when I find my mind wandering in those lands for the sake of tradition.
What I really love is that my path is very gentle. I have entered it willingly and I know the path and its ways. It is familiar to me. Now that I think about it, it feels like raindrops each falling gently on their own place. The softest rain that does not scare me enough to raise my defenses, but gently massages me and let´s me see that there is no need to defend. What is here to defend, anyway? My mind sometimes freaks out, but like a parent calming down a baby, I let it cry it out.
In those drops of rain I see clarity, I see much but it gets no hold of me. No attachments needed. I just see the way things are, the differences of the realities inside me and those around me. It is a double layer world in which we live in, but the other is in many ways imaginary though real in its physics and by the forces behind creating it. Even though it amazes me and sometimes saddens me, it brings me great joy and enjoyment for I feel I´m no longer the victim of it. Occasionally I will be blindfolded, I assume, but maybe this is one of those steps that you can no longer go back from.
Throughout the retreat I became increasingly aware of my role as a carrier. Like a carrier pigeon, my role was to set myself aside (as a tool of this world) and let that "inner guidance" work through me. I have come to terms with the fact that my mind and thinking can never understand the ways of my inner guidance, but the results are there nonetheless. I am willing to look stupid and be a fool for my guidance for there is something greater at work here. I am willing to work for it and even though it might be tiring it´s something I can do to no end.I am not giving my intelligence nor my rationality away, but I have realized how limited my experience is when I depend on them.
I am also aware that since my mind tries to explain my experiences, the explanations are at times most hilarious! My mind literally wanders through my history and picks the words that best seems to fit into the situation. And oh boy, the results! I might be starting to see how different religions have such colourful explanations and descriptions in them. The descriptions of similar events might be turned quite the opposite depending on the mind structures of those who describe them. And misleading they always seem to be, blocking the view with ideas of what it should be like.
I am glad that the world around me does not see me clearly. It provides protection for me in a funny way. But I am excited to see what is coming in the future. I have a feeling that my time to step out of the closet of spirituality is right around the corner. The changes in me are bound to change the world around me even if nobody else could see it.
I have come to terms with many things, and more is to come. This is how I am now. Life post-retreat.
