Battle - no battle, and the bad laws of the society

There is a wild battle in my life at the moment. I am leaving my everyday job a week from now without a plan for the upcoming months. Or rather the plan is something that the society doesn´t approve that easily as a plan. I´m going to take it easy, draw my attention inside of myself and find out what it is that I want to do with my life. It is not providing an instant profit to the society, so it is perceived a little weird... but then again, so many people have come to me and said that they would really love to do it themselves.

So, this dialogue between being a productive member of the society and following my own guidance, is also a dialogue I´m having on my mind. With a little help I got, I realized that there is a spiritual pattern in here:

when there is struggle between two aspects within me (and that happens so often!), the key is NOT to let the battle begin and announce a winner with the loser drawing out of sight. The key is to mix and match the two aspects in order to create a whole new perspective. Often there are aspects in both sides that are essential to the final freedom of the subject, but both sides also include some ideas that are holding me back. Going through the process of accepting both perspectives and letting the merge happen, it is possible to let the unnecessary burden be freed and create something completely new.

This approach I seems to forget so often. And it´s a shame, because letting the battle unleash creates lots of unnecessary struggle and suffering. Pushing any ideas or feelings out of sight, is a temporary solution that with time will bounce back. The come back process may then be so strong that it will create chaos and a crisis to one´s life.

So, the first thing that I´m going to do with the time released from office hours, is to find the balance inside of me. Then, create as much space as possible for my inner guidance. If there is something that I´ve learn of late, it is that true meaning and results spring from an inner drive to do things. It can not be reasoned or manipulated. One can fake it for some time, but the results will never be bountiful.

So.... what is it that drives me? I am desperate to find out!

Liberation - creation

The more I allow myself to follow my inner guidance, the more I feel liberation and let creation flow through me. During the past few weeks I have discovered abilities to heal and work with sounds and voices. I also ended up composing with piano.

Then, I have let my body move following the guidance. It has resulted in a whole new posture, manner of walking and other physical phenomena. Today I discovered that my movement was channeled into dancing. It was healing dancing and I had a vision of myself teaching healing and creative dancing to others. Following your body´s own movement is the key.

Thirdly I have been visually productive. I started painting and I am finally finished with the art work in question. Here is the final result:

The picture is a presentation of our soul group at the moment. Not further explanations needed for those who wonder. I also ended up drawing a figure that can be used to unify people in a club that I´m in. The idea of it hit me as a very strong vision that was quickly developed into something I ended up drawing. It was a beautiful process coloured by pure vision and inspiration. 

So... ideas about my future, healing with sound, music and dancing are something that have surfaced into my awareness now. I have always had them in the back of my mind, but I was never able to recognize them as something of meaning and real substance to my life.

If someone was to offer me a slot of teaching/doing healing dancing sessions somewhere, I couldn´t say no to that. I don´t yet know what the process would exactly be, but I do know that there would (or will?) be one and it would be something beautiful.

I am curious about what will come.

Heading to the second low-point of my life

So... what can I say?

During the year 2014 I have already broken up with my three-year relationship, managed to trigger faux-pas in another, gained and lost a good friend, fell in love in an significant way and topping the spring with a summer of cancer speculation and now facing the likely end of my corporate career. I have absolutely no plan for my future, but to follow my intuition and hope that it´ll take me to my full potential.

At the same time I´m scared shitless, but then again I´m feeling relieved and freed.

I would say this is only in my head, if I haven´t had a confirmation for it from external sources: I have become very different from the majority of the people around me. And they sense it. I have the feeling that every cell in my body has been liberated and lightened to a certain extent. When I´m around other people I feel like I´m so much brighter and lighter. My body language has changed too.

For those wanting to wield power over me, I have become a threat. For those wanting to express themselves, I have become a window with good support. My eyes still feel very wide and open. There is so much more coming, but there is something on my throat still blocking it a little. There is some pressure building up easily on my head so I need to focus on letting that gently open whenever I can.

I have become aware of my words and the power/effect they convey. I have found that the current model of running companies and managing the human "resources" is utterly fucked up. All I can do is to wonder how in the world millions of people let themselves be treated as such! The whole structure of the society and business is currently build up in a way, that rewards psychopathic and narcissistic characters. And still, we are all codependent in so many ways.

It took me almost 29 years to see this so clearly. I feel a little sick. And I´m worried of the consequences of not being able to give myself in to the system anymore. Stepping outside the system, even mentally, means that life in the secure conveyor belt is over. There has to be something else I can rely on. I know I´m not the first to do this, but it is the first time for me.

The dice has been thrown.

Hyper Golden Supermoon

Last night I was swimming under the super moon.

The Earth, the Moon, the Sun. The three forces that run our daily lives.

I´ve been painting, I´ve been composing music, I´ve been creating vibrational sounds and I´ve been absorbing light. There is lots of information around and like a sponge I sometimes take it all in. But before I can do that, something old always has to go first.

Less is more. My house is getting a cleaning process again. Out with the old!

It feels that every cell in my body is tingling like a little jingle bell made of light. The shadows are having a hard times staying around. Everything in shivering.

My eyes feel permanently different. They are wider.
My body feels permanently different. It is taller.
My voice feels permanently different. It comes from within.

This is like a story of a mystic in a forest under the stars wandering to the unknown. Oh well, that´s how the cookie crumbles.

Whatssss thissss?

I´ve been getting a little push from my boyfriend: he´s been toying around with my posture during the past couple of weeks. As a result I became extremely aware of how bad my posture actually was and the blockages in the body related to that. He gently nudged me always giving me a whole new sense of my body. I would stay standing there not wanting to move, because it felt so good just to stay where I was.

So I decided I wanted more of that and started to do the little pushing myself. Now it´s been a couple of weeks and things have changed. My posture is a new one, and it has changed me quite profoundly. The change was primarily in my head, since there were memories of fear in my body preventing me to bring my upper chest forward. 

The process has been about making myself present. Hiding myself by drawing my shoulder forward has been my way to protect myself from other people. Taking this new posture however has given me a whole to power to ground and balance myself. I am truly enjoying this!

The funny thing is that when I asked my boyfriend how he came up with those particular pushing points, he didn´t really have an answer. He was apparently simply following his intuition. I have noticed him doing that quite a lot, even though he doesn´t really pay attention to it himself. 

Creativity is something that has been looming around me for a while now. In addition to learning to voice myself again, I ended up painting last night. Again I was inspired by my boyfriend. The painting is still work in progress. But here is a pic of it after an hour of painting during a certain Thursday night phone call:

I also have camera waiting to be grabbed and used...

The voice, the work and the 24/7 adventure

I have been spending the holiday for the past four weeks and kept myself in a distance from the computer, mobile phone and thus also this blog. This is my first day "back to daily routines" and here I am, writing a new post for you.

During the retreat and more interestingly after it, I have been experimenting with my voice. My voice has a new deeper sound to it, at least to my own inner ear. And it seems that I have started using my voice as a mean to self-expression and clearing my body. It is very interesting. I am not the only person having the same thing, so it´s interesting to see where this will go or is it going anywhere. I have also become less fearful of playing music and singing/making sounds, which is quite huge for me. In a nutshell: I have a thing going on with voice and sound.

I am back to my daily routines means that I´m back to work. Sitting here in the office makes me feel empty. I´m an quite excited about ideas of changing my career and going to study again. But where to change into? I get these ideas, but none of them seem to be available at the moment. I guess I need to be patient with that. But working in the current place seems meaningless to me. Even when the company promotes some values I support, there focus on making money and additional values within the company makes me sick. I have tried to find an alternative for 2 years now and still haven´t found... I´m starting to get worried now. I really can´t waste my life like this. A little help from the universe would be very much appreciated now! Well, actually a lot of help... please? I need it! Now!

Whereas before I have felt that my mental and spiritual development was a little like a hobby, now it feels like it has become my life mission at this point. It is THE most important thing in my life right now. Parallel to that it seems that my life has become a 24/7 retreat. What is means is that instead of taking 7 days time to focus primarily on my development in a closed environment, my life has become in all its aspects the environment for the retreat that may never end for me. Before I could go on with my daily routines even when I felt the urge to do something else. Now I´m on the threshold realizing that I can not ignore those needs anymore. E.g. for several nights now I haven´t been able to fall asleep before I have cleared my body and done some inner guidance energy/body work. After that, no problem. Without it, no hope for falling asleep. And there are many more similar things happening now.

So... life. Here we go again!