Are you sure?

Yesterday I had an experience that took me off my guards (guess I usually have them then). I was having a dinner with my boyfriend when the conversation suddenly jumped into the deep deep seas of existence. I found myself stating facts that I "knew" while he was questioning everything I said.

"Are you sure?" he kept asking me.
And the answer is no.

It was such a contrast to my Saturday night experience. I watched Cloud Atlas, the movie. The movie is a story about how different souls intertwine and learn together during several lifetimes on Earth. I felt quite strongly about the movie. Especially because during the retreat I felt connections with other participants screaming that I´ve known them for a long time.

One day later I´m asking are those experiences and perceptions real or just an illusion. Just to give you the highlights of my inner discussion on the subject, I was questioning the present moment (which is just another opposite to the past and the future) and the whole concept of having a soul. Are there really any experiences? Is there anyone or anything to experience anything? Is there enlightenment? Yeah, deep seas baby, deep seas...

In the evening had a melt down after which I fell into some kind of a state where I wouldn´t hold on to anything. It wasn´t bad nor was it nice. I´m not even sure that it was. I guess I also fell asleep or into something similar. It was huge, and then it was not. I even cried a little, since I felt that someone or something that I have known for a long time now passed away. It felt like something died and at the same time gave me freedom. It was interesting to give up everything. It was something that I didn´t do myself, it was something that just happened.

I have a feeling that this experience was connected to another experience I had earlier. Last week (once again after watching a movie again!) I watched the sunset while sitting in a bus. It triggered something that later in the evening resulted to an experience that my vision is a lie. It felt like I was looking at the world through a looking glass. It made me think about the process how the information goes from eyes to the brain and thus everything I see is actually something that my mind feeds me. Talking about loosing your trust in your senses! What is left if I my sensory experiences were taken away from me? Maybe something similar to last night?

As Metallica put it, at the moment I feel like nothing really matters, and I don´t really mind. (Including these experiences.)