Broken birds / angry birds

The following morning after the previous post, I saw another bird (both after a night a intense thunderstorm!). It was not a Canadian goose with a broken leg this time, but a pretty little baby bird that was about to die. The poor bird was injured on the road after probably being hit by a car. She was struggling so hard for her life. One moment hoping and believing for a moment that she was OK and the next twitching uncontrollably.

The past week has been very similar to me - struggling between being fine and definitely NOT being so. For small moments my mind has gotten excited about work. Only to be followed by an overwhelming feeling of anger, frustration and fury rising from underneath. At the same time I have been given the perfect opportunity to study the anatomy of anger. 

The first thing I noticed was how anger started to affect my body. Instead of relaxation and free flow there was tension and blockages. My muscles started to ache and I got headaches. I felt simply terrible with my shoulders up to my ears and the constant tension everywhere. I tried to relax, but it only helped as long as I focused on it. Full body blockage, that´s how it feels. 

As a result my body started craving for things that are not good for me but gave me some energy to replace all that has been lost in the blockages. I started drinking caffeine. First it was very innocent with taking a little bit of black tea. Soon I found myself drinking coffee, and right after feeling very sick. Coffee is not good for me. And still, I´d really love to drink some right now in the hope of feeling better. Logic has no place in my anger.

The third feels the worst. Isolation. Carrying anger within you isolates you from other people. It makes you want to defend yourself everywhere, all the time, even when you don´t notice it. The funniest part is that when you isolate yourself from others, it makes you feel even worse and increases your anger.

You also lose your patience. Everything annoys you and everything should be exactly like you want it exactly when you want it. And this is not even the worst part. When you hold on to your anger long enough, it starts to act like an infection. Other people get annoyed and angry too. Then you end up a flock of angry angry beings, fighting the green pigs they see everywhere.

I truly hope this is just some kind of a reaction to my overall increased calmness. Every change has a counter reaction. I hope this is mine and with time it will pass. This too shall pass is what I keep telling to myself these days. Since the cause of my anger is something I can not change under the current situation, I can do nothing but see it thunder in me. I´m not used to feeling this. Me, probably the calmest person on earth, is walking around like a quiet thunderstorm trying not to bolt or flash or anything.