Break a leg

This morning when I was walking to work I was thinking about my knee and how or why it seems to be something that I just can´t seem to fix. I have had problems with my knee ever since I was a teenager and even though I´ve had surgery, training and everything - nothing seems to fix it. I was wondering why I was supposed to suffer for that when most of the people I know are capable of moving around with no pain. And then I saw the bird.

At the time I was walking by a lake in the center of Helsinki and there was a flock of Canada gooses next to me. At first I felt so much joy just watching them wobbling together. Then I noticed one of them. He was jumping on one leg and clearly had broken the other one. He moved to an opposite direction from the other birds, and not one from the flock noticed him.

It was a clear reminder for me of how alone and how disabled we really are here. I have my own problems, were they physical or mental, and they are no one else´s in the end.

This week has been torture for me. The questioning of everything has transformed into disappointment. I had expected more from my life. I´m bad at chess and now it´s checkmate, baby. Everything I think about ends up being a problem of which was first: the egg or the chicken? I´m going nowhere, and I´m turning my only precious thing into waste. My life truly is waste of time.

Time is the only thing I seem to value at the moment. Being present now is the only thing I really have, and I spend it working. Hours and hours every day I spend in the office making money for the company. Money doesn´t last. Nor does the apartment which is really the only reason why I keep coming to work everyday. I wouldn´t mind taking the risk, but it would be too cruel for my boyfriend to stop paying my share for the rent. Plus I have noticed that even that even though money can not make you happy, it can prevent you from unnecessary pain. I´ve been there, getting no money for months, using my visa to the extreme. Such things have the tendency to destroy your ability to live.

In addition I´ve been thinking that even if I quit my job and spent my days in the park, I would still have the same problems. Either you are happy where you are, or you are not. It doesn´t really matter where you are. What happens in your mind follows you wherever you go. There is no escape.

So here I am, stuck.

Not being able to function properly with my knee is just a physical form of a deeper incapability that I suffer. And the funny thing is that I´m reaching the point where it doesn´t seem to matter any more do I suffer or not. Nothing seems to be making a difference anyway. I might as well just sit here where I am, and watch myself suffer.

Sometimes life seems like a cruel joke. As an ex-performer I know that I never want to hear to words "break a leg" again. Or maybe it doesn´t matter. One functioning leg or none. It doesn´t really seem to matter.

I guess it´s time for me to give up.