Presenting myself

Well, this is the first. I have started a blog. Not about fashion, not about business, not about cartoons, but about the most personal topic I could imagine. I will be sharing here my own thoughts and experiences while trying to grow as a human being. And how do I plan to grow and when will I know I have grown up? I´ll get back to that.

Before I run away with my most intimate, I probably should present myself. I´m a 27 years old marketing professional working in the money-loving corporate world. I´m very goal oriented, eager to get promoted and I love to have lots of responsibility and plan strategies. I have a boyfriend, an apartment I like and hobbies that doctors told me are too dangerous. You can call me Tira, but even though you know my age and some idle stuff about my life - I´m afraid you have no idea who or what I really am.

How I plan to grow up is simply by getting to know myself. Not the persona with a name, history, personality traits or status. I´m trying to find the real "me" that I have been searching for ever since I was a small child. It all started from the aphorisms in tea bag labels. They spoke of things that opened up new worlds for me, new ways to see and think. I haven´t stopped since, though the labels turned into books, people, internet and experiences.

I recently realized that as a child I had this idea that all adults would be wise. Now I know that I expected them to be enlightened. This expectation was simply something that I was born with. You can imagine how my world crashed into ashes when I realized that was not the case. I saw adults behaving like children: being selfish, angry, teasing others, getting drunk, making wars and hurting not only others but also themselves. This made no sense. It still doesn´t make any sense.

This brings me to the definition of how I will know when I have grown up. As far as I know, enlightened means grown up for me. At least for now. I have had strong feelings that becoming enlightened is something I´ll do during this lifetime. That is more important to me now than anything else. Trying to juggle between financial dependency on work and spiritual freedom & independence is something I´ll probably write a lot about. I know leaving your ordinary life and society is something all the enlightenment stories have in common, but I feel different. Since I see enlightenment as a natural next step for an adult, I tend to believe the process towards it has to be natural including living in the society and having a more or less normal life (whatever that is anyway).

The reason why I´m bringing my  life here publicly open for everyone, is that I am a very private and timid to share myself. Putting myself out there has two benefits that I can not ignore. First, I will put myself in the position I have feared my whole life. I have been very private and kept my real thoughts away from others. This means that my mind/ego has gotten a strong hold on me, preventing genuine interaction with other people. What a better way to get rid of that hold than doing the worst possible! However, I have kept from telling my real name this far - for security reasons. The spiritual world is full of fucked up people, and I have no need to invite them into my home address. Secondly, I hope that if ever I do get enlightened, or even if I don´t, my thoughts might trigger spiritual growth in other people. Every person who makes even one step towards mental balance does change the world to the direction I as a child hoped to find it.

You are free to comment on my posts. But I warn you, I tend to coil away from fanatic thinking and question everything I can.

Bless you.